Ten weeks + 6

Well this morning I have woken up with a terrible headache and a horrible sore throat, so maybe they have finally all given me their man flu. I guess it makes them a sharing bunch, but I'd much rather that they hadn't shared this. Yesterday was an incredibly busy day and taking Ned to the woods had to go out of the window as I had to deliver some papers to Laura so she could take them to Uni for me, nothing major just to make sure I don't get thrown off one of my modules this semester, it wouldn't be the best of starts. As to Ned, I can take him today, timetables sometimes need to be flexible to allow for all the other stuff that crops up from time to time. 

Everything else yesterday went really quite well, until we got to the evening, not Xanders parents evening, that was really good, and his teachers had nothing but positive things to say. No, Neil and I had a huge falling out with Will, it doesn't matter what it was about it's the dynamics that are interesting. Will talks to me, most of the time, with a certain amount of politeness, even when we are arguing, but he talks to Neil like he's dirt. Neil always jumps straight to shouting at Will and talks to him as if he's an idiot. As you can imagine, I am very much stuck in the middle, and end up with Neil also shouting at me, because I didn't back him up, and saying stupid things like, "if I'd spoken to my Dad like that he'd have belted me", really, I know his Dad and find that highly unlikely and made the mistake of saying as much, as I've mentioned before diplomacy is not my strong point. So Will stomps off upstairs and Neil stomps off into the kitchen, leaving me actually quite upset and wondering if I'll ever have a happy family again. Within half an hour they were both on the settee watching Mock the Week and laughing together. How can men do that? It's as if it never happened, and I'm left the only one still upset by the whole thing. Anyway Xander decided to write me a poem to cheer me up, he left it on my pillow for me to find when I went to bed and I decided to put it in my blog.

Maxine Maxine she's so nice

She will make you curry and rice

She wants the weather to be very sunny

She wouldn't want lots of money

She would like to ride her horse

She hypothetically has the force

This is the last time I will say

Before the end of the day

She's Maxine !

Well if all the shouting hadn't made me cry, that did. Though before anyone starts thinking how lovely Xander is I should tell you he's got up this morning in a really foul mood as it was too late for him to do something that he wanted on the computer. He has stomped and shouted his way all through breakfast and out of the house to go to school, so my men really are all the same!

Ten weeks + 5

Well I woke up today and my calf muscles are killing me, I can imagine that Carla would be laughing right now and saying what calf muscles (she calls me chicken legs, affectionately), trouble is I really do not remember doing anything yesterday that would cause them to ache. OK I walked up and down the stairs at Uni, it's 3 flights, but I did that last week and I was fine. I skipped out the field, but again this is nothing new, so I'm completely confused. I know that at some point during the day it will hit me, that I did something really silly and repetitive yesterday to have caused this, but right now my mind is a blank. I guess that's another sign of old age, Xander will be pleased.

I really did have a nice day yesterday, I really enjoyed my lecture at Uni, such a relief after the one on Tuesday evening. Then I took myself to my field and sat and had a picnic lunch in the sunshine with Malarky, whilst he munched on his lunch too. Unfortunately he finished before me and came ambling over to investigate what I had, if you can imagine I was sat cross legged on the floor and he towered over me before I could sort my legs out, needless to say he managed to steal some of my BBQ pringles before I could untangle my legs, and was aiming for my duck wrap as well. Trouble was I was laughing too much and telling him that horses shouldn't eat pringles, but he wasn't taking any notice of that, I spilt hoisin sauce all down my top it must have looked really funny. So I let him have a couple of pringes to appease him, he's a good boy, but he's an eat first ask questions later kind of a horse. 

I mentioned to Will yesterday that we were having a mini heatwave, he replied, "I don't call this mini", so I explained that the mini referred to the length of time it was hot for, not the temperature. It reminded me of a rabbit I once owned, no bare with me you'll see what I mean when I tell you. I wanted a pet rabbit and my parents agreed as long as it wasn't too big, we already had a couple of guinea pigs so thought a smaller rabbit would fit in better. So I got one, called Baggage (do not ask I have no clue why I called it that), he was a mini lop eared rabbit, notice the mini, that was the clue. Anyway he grew and grew and grew and I was like, hang on that's not my idea of mini, turns out the "mini" part only referred to his ears, they were smaller than normal lop eared rabbits ears. Oh well you live and learn, and you see now why I thought of that. It's very easy to get confused by the names of things. (well it is if you're me)

Today I have a full day, Summerhill this morning with Miss Wilson. Then I have to go and do Malarky, I've bought him a new lick so he's going to like me today, have I mentioned licks before they are like really big sweets for horses, full of special oils and vitamins and things and they smell really nice, they don't taste as nice as they smell (well not to people, yes I tried one, who wouldn't). Malarky will enjoy it, however, he will lick it and lick it until his nose is all brown, then he'll discover he has an itch somewhere and rub his nose on that patch, until it's brown, and so on. It is another way for him to become a skewbald (brown and white horse, OK Carla I hear you, to be correct it's any other colour and white horse, we have to get things right as she's a Lecturer in Equine Studies at the local college), becoming skewbald seems to be the main goal of most greys (white horses). Then once the boys get back from school, Will and I will take Ned to the woods (it's a timetabled thing), then Neil and I have Xanders parents evening at 7.30. 

I think that's full enough day, so I had better go and get it started, and no I don't have washing to hang out (yet), I forgot to turn the machine on again, typical.

Ten weeks + 4

Well isn't this week flying by, I can't believe it's Wednesday already. You will be glad to hear that I was early for my lecture yesterday, 20 minutes early, which made up for me leaving 20 minutes early last week, OK so it doesn't but it shows willing. The module leader wasn't giving the lecture yesterday anyway so he wouldn't have noticed. Now you can imagine that there are many different types of lecturers at Uni, all ages and sexes and all with different lecturing styles. There are some who like the sound of their own voice too much and talk about themselves or tell really bad jokes, there are others who literally read what's on the powerpoint to make you think they know nothing about the subject they are lecturing about. If you are lucky you get one that's witty and engaging, knows their subject and makes it interesting. I am not a lucky person, as we can all gather from my recent history, so it doesn't surprise you to hear that my lecturer last night was of the bore you to death variety. I mean I'm really surprised there hasn't been a death at the University reported on the local news. I have evidence as well, as when I am taking notes I write things in the margin, like the time, and the time 3 minutes later, and the fact that I am bored. If you look at my notes from last night, and there are nine pages of them, they really do tell a story, especially when I wrote about the fact he was still waffling on after 7 when he should have already finished, and me being very unforgiving as he arrived 10 minutes late for the lecture. There is something that I could learn from him though, how to take a perfectly interesting subject (the causes of the American Civil War) and turn it into a deadly weapon. 

So about my timetable, well I don't want to jinx it or anything, but it does appear to be working much better this week. I was early to Uni yesterday, but still went to Malarky on the way, OK it was like a drive by, but I went. I also took Ned to the woods (as per the timetable), so it's going really well. Trouble is I find these things unnerving when they actually work out, I'm so used to things going wrong that when they don't it doesn't feel right. I guess there really is no pleasing some people. I have Uni at lunch time today, and am planning on taking sandwiches so I can eat lunch with Malarky on my way back home. It is supposed to be another beautiful day so I think a picnic in my field would be a great way to spend some time. I do need to pick up some food for Malarky though, as he will steal my sandwiches if I don't. 

It's all go on the school front at the moment, Will came home talking about some 16+ day, which is when the kids get to talk to people about what they are going to do when they leave school. He said he wants to talk to the local college about doing A levels (phew), but apart from that he wasn't sure, well it's a good place to start. Tomorrow evening I have a parents evening for Xander, which I am really looking forward to, I wonder what his teacher (Mrs Mason) is going to say to me. I have my suspicions that he's been after the sympathy vote and played up how ill I've been and how much he has to help me around the house, so she'll be surprised to see me looking far from deaths door. We also have an open evening to go to for Xander at Summerhill next week, we ought to go and look around the other local secondary school as well, but he doesn't want to go there so I'm not sure there is any point. It's a bit frustrating but he can't get into Summerhill on the sibling rule, as Will will have left by the time Xander actually starts, so we will just have to wait and see if he gets in like everybody else.

Well I had better get off as, guess what,  I have washing to hang out!

Ten weeks + 3

Well my main aim today is not to be late for Uni, oh and to actually get to the end of the lecture, this may sound simple to you, but trust me things just happen, well they do to me. I have a good plan, I can timetable my week, but you just can't plan for every eventuality, and football matches just weren't on my radar last week, now they are. I will check if there is one on, and if yes, I will plan to park somewhere other than at Asda. See simple. I know there are still far too many holes in that plan, but it will have to do. Anyway I've managed to get both of my boys back to school today, it's amazing what a good nights sleep can do for a child/man, I'm not sure which category to put Will in, at 15 and over 6 foot, it's a tricky one. They've both gone to school sniffing, but at least they've gone. I only now have to fill my day until 4 then leave to go to Uni, doing Malarky on the way, I know I didn't allow for the drive at the farm, or the traffic, but last week there were roadworks, and if I'm honest I left at ten past so it's all my own fault. Actually Neil was here last week, starting the tiling, I'll blame him instead, he distracted me.

We are actively back on the hunt for a caravan, that's not true, Neil is and keeps asking me to look at caravans on the internet, so I say "where is it", because I would like to look at it in the real world, and he doesn't think it matters, just wants me to look anyway. It's a bit like a tennis match, only with a caravan, back and forth until I give in and go and look at a caravan on the screen , only to think it looks just like all the other ones. That's the trouble if you look at too many, it just gets more confusing, instead of clearer. I am no nearer to knowing what I want than I did at the beginning, except I'm possibly erring on the side of not getting a caravan and us taking separate holidays! It is possible that was his plan all along, if so, he's doing well. If I happen to find a caravan I like the look of, they are usually too big to fit on the drive, and get dismissed, I don't see the issue with removing a wall just to get a caravan on the drive, do you?

I do have other things to do today, I'm timetabled to take Ned to the woods, but as I've got till 4 o'clock, I'm not rushing with that one. I was thinking about popping out to do a little bit of fun shopping, but apart from Will wanting some new socks, I have nothing I really need to buy, (Phew says Neil). Honestly Will is a scream, Neil asked him what he wanted for Christmas (I know a painful thought but it's not that far away), and he said XBox and PC games, and Neil is like seriously anything else that's not electronic, "sure" said Will, "I could do with some socks, I just wouldn't want loads of socks for Christmas and nothing else". Can you imagine his disappointed face on Christmas day 20 pairs of socks and no XBox games, I mean it would be funny, but still. So I thought I would do the nice thing and just buy him socks anyway, without him having to wait. I do actually have this nagging feeling that there is something that I needed to get, but I can't access the information at the moment, I'm not sure how much of it is just my age, or if the chemo fried my brain a little but I'm not functioning as well in the memory recall department as I'd like. Not good for somebody who's planning to become a history teacher. I'd had a thought about that as well, as I really haven't been in the position, what with operations and stuff, to find myself somewhere to do a GTP course (that's the one where the school employs you and they pay you and for the course), which would be much better than me just doing my PGCE, I could take a year off, what's one more year anyway. I could work part-time, either in a school or not, and it gives me a whole 12 months to sort out a school to do my GTP in. This will save me the £8200 cost of fees for doing my PGCE at Worcester, so it sounds like a reasonable plan, and I'd be earning a little bit at the same time. Well it's an idea, if anybody has any other thoughts then please let me know.

Just to be different I'm off to hang the washing out!

Ten weeks + 2

So how has my weekend gone? Fast would be the answer to that, I feel like I've hardly had time to turn around and it's Monday morning again. Monday is the only day of the week when I'm not going to either Uni or Summerhill so you'd think I would be looking forward to spending the day by myself. Now things never work quite that way in this house and both of my boys (you know the ones with man flu) have actually been running quite high temperatures throughout the night, have had hardly any decent sleep and I've had to keep them both off school, for the teachers protection mainly. So there goes my day by myself. The lady at Xanders school says there's already 2 away from his class so maybe his teacher (Mrs Mason) will be having a quieter day than she expected.

You will be glad to hear than I nearly have a completely tiled utility floor, it took Neil 2 hours of cutting and sawing and filing to cut the tile for around the toilet, I told you it was going to be bad. I went to Malarky and took Ned to the woods while he was doing that, coincidence? No I'm a chicken, mind you he has more patience than me, the first time I tried to wallpaper, I threw the screwed up pasted piece out of the window after I'd attempted to get it on the wall 3 times, I try to stick to painting nowadays, it's safer. It will be nice when he's finished it all, but I may have to wait until the weekend for that, still it doesn't stop me pricing up sinks and units while I'm waiting. Because Neil does such long hours in the week, I never push for DIY then and let him do things at the weekends, it means that sometimes jobs take longer than you'd expect them to but I always get them done eventually. He still has to put plumbing in for the new sink, and an outside tap, then it will be ready for decorating, Before he can then fit units and breakfast bar, the decorating will be my job, we have it all sorted I decorate, he does DIY. He built me an extension on the back of the house once, I can't tell you how long that took, but he did it, and I filled it with furniture, see we both have our areas!

I'm looking forward to this week, the weathermen said we may be having a mini heatwave, well I'll believe it when I see it, but it would be nice. I feel like I totally missed out on the Summer this year so it would be great to have a little encore. Trouble is I'm quite sad, I hear nice weather and think good , I can dry some washing, there really should be more to life than that. Oh well speaking of washing, it doesn't hang itself out, and I should be writing a shopping list, as we have no food in the house at all, all the ordinary mundane things on a Monday.

Ten weeks + 1

It's not so much fun in my house today as both of my boys have a cold, and in typical male fashion they think they may be dying and are the first people ever to have had such a serious condition. Oh dear, that doesn't sound like it's going to be a fun relaxing Sunday for me. Neil is pretending that they are behaving normally and has gone back to the tiling. Typical. At least he may get it finished today, he has all day until my Dad and Jill get here (about 4 o'clock) so we will have to wait and see how that goes. I, on the other hand am planning to spend the day reading (for Uni not for pleasure), taking Ned to the woods and going to do Malarky. How much company the boys will be on my outings remain to be seen, I wonder if the old chestnut "fresh air will do you good" will actually work on either of them. Will has actually gone back to bed as he couldn't get to sleep last night, as he informed be at 4.30 this morning, luckily I was already awake. Now I am being entertained by Xander who every so often in between sniffs, makes a little groaning noise, as I said it's going to be a fun day.

We did all have a lovely meal out last night though, and Will was even vaguely adventurous and had the fish fingers, they are home made in beer batter and not something that fits into his "processed food" diet, so well done Will. Xander had gammon and chips and his piece of gammon was huge, and the smaller of the two sizes available on the menu, so my kids ate well yesterday. It's a good job as I'm cooking today and I'm not sure exactly what I'm cooking yet, so they may not eat quite so well today. I can say that it would be impossible to find something that I could cook that all of us, including my Dad and Jill would eat, so I will have to go with the majority. I had thought of making corned beef hash, which means only Will won't eat it, not traditional Sunday fair but pretty easy to do, or I could fall back on a roast chicken dinner, but that would be a selfish act as it's my personal favourite meal (if I can't have chinese food, which I can't).

I need to look at my timetable for the week, and factor in some more reading time for Uni, it's really important that I get my assignments right this year, my degree classification depends on it, and getting onto a PGCE course might depend on the degree classification, so no pressure there at all. It's funny, it's only the end of the first week back at Uni I can't believe I'm already getting stressed about assignments when I don't have one due in for weeks, I hope I can manage it better than last year. Some of that may depend on my MRI scan now on the 10th October, if the results of that are OK I think that my assignments will go better, don't you? Mind you being at Uni gives me somewhere else to focus my stress, instead of on the scans etc, that seem to be dogging my life at the moment, I guess there's a possibility that it will always be like this. 

Right I've promised Xander a bacon and egg sandwich to cheer him up, and I need to go out and buy all the boxes of tissues that I can find. Hope everyone else has a peaceful Sunday.

Ten weeks later

Wow I can't believe it's ten weeks later, I've been writing my blog for seven weeks now (nothing wrong with my maths this morning), and everything has changed so much. I am feeling so much better, driving myself around, going to Uni, volunteering at Summerhill, it's almost as if my operations never happened. OK that last bits a bit fanciful, but you know what I mean, I'm almost back to where I was before the operations, would be a better description. It doesn't stop the underlying worrying about my cancer coming back, and I'm booked in for an MRI scan in October to check out my liver, which will help allay my fears, but it is really nice just doing all the things that a person should, without other people showing too much concern. I know it's funny when the boys don't let me do things, but in reality it's the doing all the things that make me feel more like me. The only thing I haven't got around to doing yet is riding, but I'm not physically ready for that yet, so for now the lunging Malarky to get him fit, will have to do. Although it will need to be timetabled for next week as I simply ran out of week this time.

So how has my week been? Well I could say much the same as everyone else, but when you throw in the terrible timetabling, the floor tiling, the sick/not sick son, the volunteering at the school, the American Civil War and a smattering of the German Empire, plus a horse and a dog, two boys and a husband, I don't know you tell me. I think my week is probably about as crazy as everyone else could possibly have, and I like it that way. I had fun at Summerhill yesterday, not in the lesson, although I did have fun in the lesson, it was handing in my CRB check form. They all of a sudden realised that I didn't have an up to date one, if you don't use them for 3 months they go out of date, even if they're not actually out of date, does that make sense. Anyway you have to be able to prove who you are and I don't have a modern driving licence (I should really get one of those), or an up to date passport (I really really should get one of those), so I would normally use my birth and marriage certificate to prove who I am. Easy you would think, except I had to send the originals of those off to Student Finance England, again to prove my identity, and I haven't got them back. So how do you prove you are who you say you are without any of those things, easy you take 5 things, off the list supplied, so I did including my (not really out of date) out of date CRB check from May 2009 and my student ID, a utility bill, a P60,a letter from the hospital, my NHS prescription exemption card, a set of cutlery, a cuddly toy (OK I'm kidding about the last 2), this poor woman at the school had to photocopy everything and it took quite a while to do. She asked how I got such a long date on my NHS card, I wasn't sure what to say, so I just blurted out "Cancer", like you do. She has MS and pays for her prescriptions a year at a time, so she has a similar card but with a much shorter end date. I explained a bit further about what had happened to me, as it seemed only fair, but I do still feel odd saying things about it and certainly using the word cancer, always feels unreal. She gave me the standard "well you look well", which I generally get, I think it's a good sign that I look well, more comforting for those around me, and an indicator that the cancer can't have come back as then I wouldn't look well, would I? I'm sticking with the theory!

What do I have on today, well we have visitors coming this afternoon, so I guess I should tidy up a bit. It doesn't help when I've still got half the contents of my caravan still in the office, and all the contents of my utility (not including the shower and the toilet) in my kitchen.  Still if people know that they make allowances don't they, not that I should care what people think, but I do, it's human nature. Neil did do some more of the tiling yesterday, but he still hasn't got to the bit around the toilet, I think they should make the base of toilets rectangular, it would be so much easier then to tile around them. I wonder if it's something that anyone has ever thought of before, OK they have I just checked on the internet, they do look like they are made out of LEGO though and are very expensive. So sorry Neil you are just going to have to cut a round hole in your tiles. I'm off to hang out washing now, I'm just living the dream!

Nine weeks + 6

Well that's another week, very nearly over. All I have to do is get through this morning, which will be mainly housework, then I'm off to Summerhill again for my other half day. It will be the first afternoon I've done and Miss Wilson has a year 10 class for double history, so with the years 7,8 and 9 on a Thursday morning that will give me a really nice view of a wide range of children in the classroom. I have told Will he can get a lift home with me, so all that remains is for him to work out whether not having to walk is worth the embarrassment of being seen with me. He says it's not me that's embarrassing, but the fact that I'm practically a teacher, I've decided to take that as a compliment. So to get to the end of Friday I only have to do Malarky and survive Neil finishing the floor tiles in the utility, I may loiter at the field for longer than is really necessary to minimise that part of the day.

Yesterday Xander had computer club after school, I remember Will doing it as well, that seems so long ago. Anyway he came home with some fake money, with his head on, and a space marine figure (do not worry if you have no clue what that is, just think soldier) again with his head super-imposed on it. It looked really great, and was a far better picture of him than his official school photo, so I'm thinking of getting a couple of copies made and giving them to his Grandparents instead. He's reluctant to go to school today as he says he feels sick, I have a very strict rule about actually seeing sick before I keep him off school, especially with an absence of any other symptoms (I know mean Mom), but once he's actually at school I'm sure that he'll be fine. He says they were handling rotten food in science yesterday and that has put him off going to school today, well today he's got maths, literacy , games and music so that will be much better. (OK I'm not making a very good case for school here at all, I'll stick with the "it's a necessary evil" and "we all had to do it").

I know you are wondering if I timetabled my weekend, alas no. I thought weekends should be impulsive, besides Neil's around then so he tends to plan things. His parents are coming on Saturday afternoon, and we are going out to eat at the local pub, very nice, all round as the food is great and they have real ale for Neil, and we walk so we can both have a drink. Then on Sunday My Dad and Jill (Step-Mom) are coming, and I will be cooking, what that will be, I don't yet know but it's bound to involve potatoes! Interestingly both mine and Neils Dad are coeliacs, if you don't know what that is, they are allergic to gluten, gluten is in flour and flour is in everything. It doesn't make them too hard to cook for once you get used to it (hence the potatoes), but it does make eating out a bit tricky. Zol, the chef at the pub has a sister-in-law who's a coeliac so he understands and is happy to make sure that the food is gluten free (as long as he knows in advance he has a coeliac coming). It is nice to finally have a good local, the pub has changed hands (and names) a few times since we've lived here and at last is a local we can be proud of. I should tell you it's called The Wall Heath Tavern, and it sells Enville Ales (local brewery). That's my advertising done, I should get on with my day, I have managed to get Xander to leave and go to school, but he's not happy, keep your fingers crossed he stays there and I don't get a phone call to fetch him home (the teachers have been known to fall for his acting skills before).

Oh, please feel free to have yourselves a Fun Time Friday again this week, I will be having fun at Summerhill this afternoon (as long as Xander stays put at school), and fun at the field, and I'm sure that if Neil tiling gets too stressful, some cider will help to make that more fun too. Enjoy your day!

Nine weeks + 5

Well I think this has been a really long week already and it's only Thursday, that's not a good sign for the rest of the week at all. I have visitors coming on Saturday and Sunday and have volunteering at school today, at some point I will actually take a moment to rest, just not this week. Still it was my first week back at Uni so I have to expect some upheaval. I decided I needed some more routine to my week so I tried to timetable my visits to Malarky and trips to the wood with Ned around my Uni lectures so that everything fitted in better. Can you imagine a grown woman writing a timetable for a week so she could still visit her horse, it's humiliating. Mind you it worked, well after a fashion, I forgot to allow for the trip up and down the drive at the farm, making me late for Uni, and I didn't give myself any time for lunch yesterday. So no matter how sad it was writing the timetable, you do have to feel sorry for me that I did it so badly! Maybe next week will be more settled, as Neil won't have 2 days off and throw my week into a whirl as only he can. Uni has been funny this week, I have 2 modules at Uni and 2 not, one of which is my volunteering at the school module, which apparently I had paperwork to fill and hand in by the end of this week. That would be easier to do if the paperwork was available on the system as promised by the module leader. Oops well I like my lecturers at Uni, but I'm not convinced that the organisational skills of some of the people that work there are really up to scratch.

I haven't said much about my kids this week, but then to be honest I don't think I've seen them much, you will have to ask me later if that is a good or a bad thing. They seem to be settling into school quite well, and Xander has already come home with a school photo, actually we have a choice of 2 in one he looks like a manic depressive having an episode and the other like he's being brutally murdered, I don't know how I'm supposed to pick one. The boys have both promised to help around the house a bit more now that I am back at Uni, (it has to happen I wrote it on my timetable) and Will hoovered for me yesterday, and Xander dusted. In reality that means Will hoovered around everything, and Xander sprayed a lot of polish on small patches of furniture, but it's a start. So lets get this straight I timetabled my week to make it run more efficiently (and got it wrong), got my kids to help around the house, (which they did badly), have to fill in paperwork that doesn't exist (I get kicked off the module if I don't), and I have half a tiled floor in my utility (who knows when Neil will get to finish that as we have visitors all weekend). That all sounds like a perfectly normal week doesn't it?

I haven't managed to timetable another 1/2 day at the Summerhill school, which I will need to do for the module I'm doing. It's silly I have to do 1 day a week for 12 weeks and fill in a report at the end, and keep a log, instead of writing an essay like a normal module. It all sounds reasonable until you know that the hand in date for the work is 12 weeks away and the school shuts for the October half term, meaning I won't have finished my 12 weeks by then. So not only do I have to hand in paperwork that I can't find, I should have started this module 2 weeks ago just to make sure I could fit it all in. It's not the best start to a module I've ever had, and I thought this would be my favourite one this year. It doesn't bode well for the rest of them. So I bet you are wondering what I have timetabled for today, well I have Summerhill this morning and I have to do Malarky, I was good and cleaned out his bath yesterday (that's a water trough for drinking out of), I do have to take Ned to the woods today and Will is timetabled to come with me. That's a full day then, so I'd better go and get it started.

Nine weeks + 4

So my first lecture yesterday, how do you think that went? First of all, despite having all day to get ready (I needed to be there for 5) I still somehow managed to be late, only slightly embarrassing, but not as totally embarrassing as getting up and leaving 20 minutes before the end. I should explain. I decided to park on the Asda car park, it's about a 10 minute walk but you can park there for 2 hours for a £1, so it's good value. I knew 2 hours wouldn't be long enough but there was a chance, with it being the first lecture, that it wouldn't go on for the whole 2 hours, and after about 6 o'clock are the Asda car park attendants really going to be that hot on the 2 hour limit? If you don't know Wolverhampton that well I should explain that the Uni and the Asda are both very near to the Molineux, you know the stadium where Wolves play, in fact the Asda car park is right next to it and when there is a match on they are really on the ball those parking attendants, making sure that football supporters aren't getting their parking on the cheap. Needless to say there was a match on last night (you knew that was coming) and I sat in the lecture watching the time go by, becoming more and more concerned that we were going for the full 2 hours and not wanting a parking ticket and a fine, I just got up and walked out. I'm hoping that nobody really noticed, although it was quite obvious, I'm also hoping it will all be forgotten by next week, and I will try to do better, and to park somewhere else.

The lecture itself was interesting, on the American Civil War, something about which I know nothing. In the past I have sometimes got my best marks when I chose modules that had unfamiliar subjects, although I also got the worst ones on them too, so you never know which way it will go. Today I have Germany 1871 - 1949, I will park at Asda again (I know mad) but I have my reasons, as this is a year long module and shouldn't be longer than an hour. You just know it's going to go on longer now that I've said that, OK I will park somewhere else. This I think should be a really interesting module, more than if it just concentrated on the period of the Wars I & II, we will have to wait and see, I'm frequently wrong about these things. I have to make sure that I get the dinner into the slow cooker before I go out today, and some washing on the line. At least I can call and do Malarky on the way back from Uni today, which takes the pressure off time wise. I thought I'd factored in all the travelling yesterday but I forgot to allow for the time it actually takes to get down the drive at the farm, it takes quite some time and there's a 5mph speed limit. I think leaving a little late and the drive are probably what messed up my trip yesterday, of course travelling in rush hour traffic may not have helped much either! Next Tuesday I will allow more time, today I don't seem to have allowed any time for me to have lunch, typical, something always has to give, but why should it be my stomach.

Talking of my stomach, I did sit ups and 12 minutes on the exercise bike this morning, I'm not convinced that the fake cycling is making me any fitter, but my stomach aches a little so the sit ups are doing something (lets hope the right things). I won't lie to you my middle region is a little on the deformed side at the moment, but apparently it takes months for all the internal swelling to really go away, so that's my angle. I'm not fat, it's internal swelling! Feel free to borrow that if you want to. To be fair I haven't been thin for years, and I enjoy my food too much to consider it a reasonable goal now, but I wouldn't mind being slightly less ashamed of my middle region. Of course there's not much can be done about Cyril, he's not going anywhere for now, but if I could look a little more normal that can only help my self esteem. The winter time is wonderful if you don't like your body, all those thick woolly jumpers hiding a multitude of sins, and bulges. Maybe I could persuade Neil that we should move to a colder climate, then it wouldn't be an issue.

I have tiles on my utility floor, only on about half of it, but it's not the point it's a good start. Neil, unfortunately, is back at work today so the utility will have to stay half tiled until Friday evening, as that's the first chance he'll get to have another go. Despite the fact it's his first attempt at floor tiles, I think they look quite good, mind you he's only done the easy ones so far, at some point he has to tile around the toilet, I may go out while he does that I think it may be painful. He's decided to leave the shower in for now but has tiled in a way that if he removes it in the future it will be easy to fill in the gap on the floor, I know how these things work the tiles will have gone out of circulation and I'll end up with a square of floor that looks completely different. Oh well sounds about right for this house. 

Right I'm off to put meat and vegetables into the slow cooker and washing on the line. I also need to get a more exciting life I think. 

Nine weeks + 3

So how did my day go yesterday, let me see it went really well, especially if you ignore the hospital appointment in the afternoon and me ending up in tears by the end of the day. Some days are harder than others, they are always going to be, you don't have to be recovering from an operation (or 2) to understand that. It wasn't a complete surprise either because I was dreading my appointment yesterday, but we'll come to that later, I think we'll talk about all the good from yesterday and maybe skim over the bad parts.

It was nice to have Neil at home for the day so to start off with we went food shopping, I understand that isn't exciting but it has to be done and it was nice not to do it by myself (I know I spend ages trying to get out and shop by myself then complain that I'm doing it on my own, typical woman). Then once we'd been home and put it all away, we went out again, this time to lunch, and yes to a Wetherspoons pub. I should explain it's not just an obsession of Neils but he's a member of CAMRA (Campaign for Real Ale) and has 50p off vouchers for beer that he can use there. Plus we have 3 Wetherspoons within a 20 minute drive of our house (actually there may be one in Dudley as well but we've never been). You know what you are going to get and they always have decent beer and cider on tap, it makes life very simple.  Once we were suitably replenished we went to B&Q, I know it's exciting this life I lead. As we walked through the entrance a man gave us a 20% off voucher, well that sealed the deal, so out we walked with 6 packs of floor tiles and all the adhesive and grout and tools required to tile the utility floor. We also bought a posh tile cutter, which with the 20% off we got for free, I thought that with all the tiling Neil is planning on doing it would be a sensible purchase. Then we trundled home, unloaded the tiles and went back out again, it was one of those days.

Now to the hospital appointment, I don't know the best way to put this, but well let me see, it was crap (yes that will do fine). First we sat for the best part of an hour with me getting more and more wound up as time went on, and Neil trying to chat to me about nonsense things to take my mind off it, and me snapping at him for talking to me about rubbish when I was thinking about my appointment. Then we got to see the consultant, he's a very nice and friendly man, if only that were enough. Now I've had 3 CT scans and on each of them there was some anomaly on my liver, it was thought to be nothing by the person who looked at the first scan but suspicious by the second person (hence the stress and ultra sound I had at Christmas last year). Now the third person who looked at my scan thinks it needs looking at and wants an MRI done of my liver and the consultant wants me to have more blood tests, so they are behaving as if it could be cancer again when I'm pretty sure that it's not. I said as much to everyone yesterday, to my sister in law, to my Dad, to my family. Then in my own bed cried myself to sleep just because I might be wrong, I don't really want to battle with it I have a degree to do, still if it's a battle I need then bring it on. I can always cry when I'm in my bed.

Well I've had a dreadful nights sleep and Neil let me sleep in while he got the kids up and off to school. Today I have a new stress to add to my life, my first lecture back at Uni, on the American Civil War. I am very nervous and stressed but it's only for 2 hours tonight so I can get through it, once I have then it will be so much easier to go to the lecture I have tomorrow on Germany 1871 -1949. I will soon be back to my student self once more, leaving yesterday where it should be as history. 

Nine weeks + 2

Well I haven't had the best nights sleep, but it wasn't too bad, and I've been good and done my exercises this morning, but I am a little preoccupied by my appointment this afternoon. I think I'll ask for positive thoughts again, even though it didn't work with the sore throat, I'm sure we can pull it off this time, so at 3.25 this afternoon (of course I may not see my consultant for ages after that as this is a hospital we're talking about) any way at 3.25 this afternoon I could do with a many positive thoughts as possible pointed in my direction, so that my consultant gives me an all clear or a gold star, or whatever you are supposed to get at these appointments. I would really appreciate that.

I am trying to persuade Neil that a lunch out would be a really good way to ease me into this afternoon, but his head is still somewhere else, either in plasterboard or a caravan, I can't really tell. Plus he's a bit grumpy as he's going for an MOT at the doctors soon and in preparation for that has got to go for a blood test this morning, why the grumpy? Well it's a fasting blood test, so he didn't have any beer last night, that's not too bad, but no breakfast this morning, a little painful but bearable. Oh but no, he hasn't had his cup of tea this morning, talk about a bear with a sore head. Mind you Xander has just come downstairs for breakfast slamming all the doors as he came, maybe that's how the bowls got broken, anyway he doesn't have to have a blood test so that makes no sense at all. Maybe he just got out of the wrong side of bed this morning.

There is no sign of Will yet, but that's not really unusual, he will surface in his own good time, and no amount of poking and shouting from me seems to make any difference so I don't see the point in wasting my energy. It's funny though how many times he's nearly ready to leave, after getting up so late and goes, "Mom do you think you could make my sandwiches?" as if that's the factor that has made him late not the getting up 5 minutes before he actually needs to leave. You do have to love kids, especially first thing in the morning, no you do, because you can't kill them, trust me I've checked it out. 

If we are playing reverse psychology with appointments, the one this afternoon will probably go well. The first one I had in Dec 2009, when they told me it was cancer, well I went to that one expecting nothing and got a bomb shell, so if I go expecting bad news it should only be good right? Or have I twisted the whole process by saying that, and I'll just get what I expect? This is all too hard first thing in the morning and I have had my cup of coffee (2), at the end of the day there is no point worrying about it as I cannot change the outcome, but yet I still worry. I guess you can't stop human nature.

I'm going to go and make sandwiches for the boys before Will tries to catch me out, and wave good bye to Neil for his blood test. I guess I'd better put the kettle on ready for his return, he's going to be gasping for a cup of tea.

Nine weeks +1

OK Sunday morning is here, and the house is peaceful, mainly because the boys aren't up yet. Mind you Neil is buzzing around me wanting me to go out, or at least do something. Trouble is because he's got a couple of days off, this isn't just a Sunday morning to him, this is holiday and when we are on holiday we plan to do things. Actually Neil plans to do things and I just decide how much to go along with him or not. At the moment we are just talking about taking Ned to the woods this morning, but you never know where all this planning may lead. I could be totally organised by the end of the day, then where would I be? Don't get me wrong I like a bit of routine to my day, I have to go to Malarky and walk Ned, but I like to mix it up a bit and not plan exactly when I am going to do these things, makes life a bit more exciting that way, of course I also run out of time and don't get everything done that I want to because I get involved in something else. That is not the point, I think I'm winning Neils case for planning out the day without him even saying anything, I'm going to change the subject before I completely change my own mind.

We stepped up our search for a caravan yesterday by actually going to look at a couple, we are having discussions (arguments) about seating layouts, and we do not agree on anything, actually that's not true, we both want an end bathroom, which will give us somewhere to get changed, apart from that we don't agree on anything. It doesn't help that we have a car that will tow a really big van (Maxine would like that) but to get it onto the drive we'd have to take the neighbours wall out, oddly something Neil doesn't want to do! Some caravans come with a fixed bed, very nice but whilst the boys are still coming away with us, they'd have to sleep in what is the living room, and I'm not sure I want that. You can get L shaped seating vans which feel a lot more like a living room, but you can't sleep on them without making the bed up every night. Some of the vans have tiny kitchen areas and huge bathrooms, I want an end bathroom but I would like a bigger kitchen too. Can you see there are just too many choices out there, plus some of the fabric they put on the seats, well scary I think would be the correct term. So Neil has spent the morning trawling the internet for caravans and I'm no nearer to knowing what I want anyway, so looks like his money is safe for now.

Neil has just delivered my second cup of coffee and he's already hung the washing on the line, looks like a subtle hint that I should be doing something more constructive than sitting here writing my blog. At least he's not hoovering around me, which would be his usual tactic to get me moving. Oh well I'd best be off and start my "planned" day of activity.

Nine weeks later

Well nine weeks after my operations, and here I am, feeling fine and looking forward to going back to Uni, OK that's not quite true I'm really nervous, but I'm trying a bit of positive thinking this morning. I've had (for me) a really good nights sleep, and I've had my breakfast and cup (OK maybe 2) of coffee so I'm raring to go. So raring is possibly an overstatement, but I'm up, sometimes that just has to be enough. I still appear to be living in an alternate universe as my kids sat and did their homework at the dining room table when they got back from school yesterday, it did seem a little odd, but we left them to it and went to B&Q. Ah B&Q where all the best people go on a late Friday afternoon, actually it seems like a good time to go as there was hardly anybody there. Do you know they sell hundreds of different types of plasterboard (for the false ceiling), neither did I and OK it was more like 5 different sorts, but that's not the point, I'm not sure that it was a fact I needed in my head, I should be leaving plenty of space available for information from my lectures next week, not stuffing it with DIY facts. Anyway the outcome of the trip was that more research was required to ascertain exactly which of the many types we actually needed, and also how to get them home as they are 8 ft x 4ft, now I have a big car, but it's not that big. Neils idea of a solution was to take a stanley knife with him when he buys them and cut them in half to put them in the car. You might think this was an unlikely option but we once bought some wood and a saw and he chopped it up to put it in the car (the wood), the things we've done in DIY car parks. (No smutty thoughts thank you). Well he's taken my car to work this morning which can only mean one of two things, he couldn't find his car keys (it's always a possibility) or he's buying something big on the way home. We'll have to wait and see!

I have to tell you that I have a brilliant dog. Now those of you that have met Ned will know that I love him dearly and he has a great personality but that Neil has always thought of him as a bit of an idiot and of no real use. This is no longer the case, after last nights adventure, he is very useful indeed. So picture a typical evening, Neil and I are watching TV, Xander is home from his dinner and is on the computer in the next room and Will is over the road babysitting. It doesn't really matter where everyone was, I'm just setting the scene. Anyway we were watching something on the TV when a huge spider ran out from under the TV cabinet and headed straight towards the settee, (there may have been screaming and it may have been me) it rested, momentarily, under the coffee table with me spluttering at Neil about this huge spider whilst trying to retract my long legs back into my body, and Neil going "what" "where", in a totally unhelpful manner. When the spider (suitably rested) made a last minute dive under the settee. So I'm gesticulating to Neil and making high pitched noises that only dolphins can hear and Neil thinks I've gone mad as he hasn't even seen the damn spider, which considering it's size was quite an impressive feat. When I realise that the dog has his nose under the settee, and his bum in the air and is wagging his tail like mad. Well if he didn't believe me (and I don't think he did) Neil knew the dog was after something. 

Before we go any further I should explain to those of you that have never met Ned, he's not a small dog, his Dad is an English Pointer and his Mom a rough coated lurcher, so I'd describe him as a large skinny dog, who's all elbows. Now Ned is just not letting this new friend of his get away and is persistent in trying to get under the settee (there is a two inch gap) when the spider makes a break towards the dining room and the sideboard. Ned follows and dives under the chair next to the sideboard, again his tail wagging like mad the whole time then he suddenly stops, comes out from the chair and trots back into the room. He looks really pleased with himself, and I'm so pleased because I'm convinced he's killed the spider and eaten it. Well I wasn't quite right, at this point he tossed his head and threw the spider into the air, it landed somewhere behind him and started to crawl away, so he pounced on it again. Needless to say this went on for sometime, but eventually he had killed it, but he never ate it, just displayed it's mushed up carcass on the floor in front of him for all of us to see, and I'm assuming admire. Still when I have 3 cats, one of which slept through the whole process on the settee next to me, you can see that I'd be very proud of my spider hunting dog, even if he does play with his catch afterwards.

Well I should get on with all that housework that I didn't do yesterday because it was Fun Time Friday, I do think that should be a permanent addition to my week, but I do need to find another name for Housework Saturday.  

Eight weeks + 6

I'm beginning to get a little worried, and I do hate to tempt fate, but right now everything seems to be going oddly well for all of us. Will and Xander haven't been fighting with each other, and they both seem to be enjoying school, OK enjoying is maybe too strong a word, but they're not hating it at the moment, which is good enough for me. Things seem to be going well for Neil at work too, I mean he gets stressed, but he's really busy which has to be the better way to go. Then there's me, I'm a bit stressed about my appointment next week, and going to Uni, but this week , everything has gone really well, going to Summerhill, getting fitter, just the normal running the house kind of things. So tell me, what dreadful thing is going to befall us this weekend, after all, we just don't all have good weeks all at the same time, it's unnatural and unnerving to say the least. Maybe I'll break some more bowls whilst I'm washing up to even it out just a little.

I've just waved Xander off to school, he looks so fresh faced and trouble free. I do hope he has a good day, he thinks he should as apparently this afternoon is fun time Friday, that sounds like such a good idea, I should have one of those too. Even if he doesn't have a great day at school, he's off out with his mates this evening. It's his friends birthday and to celebrate it they are going out for a meal, to the local Tandoori restaurant, now that's a boy after my own heart. It's funny because you'd think that most kids their age would be all McDonalds, and KFC and Xander can be (he does like his food). This year was an odd one out for Xander wanting something as ordinary as pizza, in previous years he's been all about eating out in restaurants, OK 2 of them were Indians, but still it seems an unusual choice for a child to make. Yet here is his friend wanting the same kind of thing. Xander actually says that when he's older he would like to run a good pub in the country, selling fine food and drink. Well that just sounds pretty perfect to me, he doesn't want to be the chef, but to be in charge and just please all the people, I like the ambition, but I'm not sure where he intends to get the funding. Guess we'll have to wait and see about that one too.

So what will my fun time Friday entail, well I do have to take Ned to the woods and do Malarky, and after being at Summerhill for a couple of mornings I'm a bit behind with my housework. OK the first bit sounds like it could be fun, but that housework word doesn't really fit very well into the theme. I do try to do these things logically, I remember to water my orchid once a week by doing it on a Wednesday (w for water), and as none of the days of the week begin with an H that could provide me with a perfect get out of doing the housework pass. When Will was little and really didn't want to come shopping I used to try to make it more fun (bare with me it is relevant) so one week I said that we could only buy things that began with an S, it was quite tricky trying to buy the things that we needed without breaking the rule, but it did make the shopping more fun, mind you I was shopping in Sainsburys so we could have just bought all their own label products. I know I'll do just the bare minimum today, and do all the horrible stuff tomorrow when I have the boys to help me. Then I can dedicate the rest of the day to having fun, at the field and the woods, if only it was a forest then that sentence would have looked so much better. 

Oh Neil and I are popping to B&Q tonight, (you knew that was coming) it could be fun and fit in with the theme. He has got Monday and Tuesday off next week so we could have a nice few relaxing days together, but my money is on putting a false ceiling in the utility. He's taken Monday off so he can come to my appointment with me, if you remember from my earliest of ramblings things didn't go too well at my first follow up appointment when I didn't take him, so we're not risking anything like that this time. As for why he's taken Tuesday off as well I can't say, but it will be nice having him around for the day, although I have my first lecture at Uni on Tuesday evening. Actually I'm going to be a bit of a gibbering wreck Monday and Tuesday next week so maybe he's right to bury his head in a DIY project it may be the safest option.

Eight weeks + 5

Well I'm impressed by my exercising abilities this morning, sit ups and 10 mins on the exercise bike, and getting up early to do it. Is this the start of new fitter me, or is it just a phase that I'll get over? History suggests it's most likely the second of the two, but I'll try and stick with it for now. When I came downstairs this morning on my slightly wobbly legs, it reminded me of when I first came home from hospital and tried to walk up the stairs, I'd lost so much strength in my legs it was like climbing a mountain. Thinking about it though,  I couldn't even sit up normally in a chair, so doing sit ups again is something I couldn't have even imagined either. Mind you they do say that time heals, so I guess they can't be wrong all of the time, though I'm not sure who "they" are, sound a bit know it all if you ask me. I have noticed that you can't stop time, and it's going much quicker with age, which doesn't seem very fair, and next week, my appointment and lectures will soon be upon me, I can cope (she says).

You will be glad to hear that my trip to Summerhill school was very successful (Cyril behaved himself), so successful that Miss Wilson asked me to go back again today. Thursday mornings are going to be my regular volunteering morning, she teaches years 7, 8 & 9 on that morning of the week so it gives me a really good variety of lessons. When I have to do extra volunteering for my module this semester I think I'd like to be in a year 10 lesson as well, I was in one yesterday and it's interesting to note the difference in both the kids and the teaching as they step up to GCSE level. I'm learning so much all the time in the lessons, not just about kids and history, but the kind of teacher that I want to be, I think doing a years worth, even if it's only one morning a week, will stand me in really good stead whether I get to do GTP, or PGCE next year. Will has also been taking the time to advise me, on what kind of teacher to be, yesterday it was a lesson on first impressions, apparently if I turn up for the first lesson in costume with weapons that's all the kids will ever remember me for. OK Will thanks for the advice, I'm now really worried about some of the teachers he's had over the years. At the moment we are hearing very positive things about school from Will, which is very encouraging, although it's mainly funny stories that his statistics teacher keeps telling, I don't mind, I think you learn more if you are enjoying yourself, I just never put statistics and funny together in a sentence before now!

Neil mentioned yesterday about going to B&Q one evening this week to look at tiles, you know that man really knows how to treat a girl. What more could I want than a trip to a DIY store, I know a trip to an electrical store to buy a tumble drier that doesn't dry clothes by setting them alight (it's oddly not an efficient way to dry them). Mind you he has a point, about not filling the utility up with things when he wants to tile and decorate it. Plus the shower may be staying in there, now I'd already mentally filled that space up with something, he really needs to make his mind up. Well I had better get on with my day, who knows where this one will end up?

Eight weeks + 4

I am off to the Summerhill school this morning, to shadow Miss Wilson, the Head of History there. I am extremely nervous about it, which is silly because it's something that I've done many times before. The trouble is everything makes me nervous at the moment, mainly because of Cyril, which isn't helped by the fact that my nerves go straight to my stomach, no this isn't a good combination. I do need to do this though, I enjoyed it so much before, and it really made me doubly determined to get my teachers qualification, I also need the time in the classroom if I'm going to stand any chance of finding a school to let me do my GTP there. I'll just have to suck it up, as Carla would say, and once I've done it a couple of times it won't be new to me any more. My next hurdle will be going back to lectures next week, but I have other things on my mind before then. My official check up appointment is next Monday, and that is occupying my mind more than anything else right now, although I'm sure it will all be fine, it's hard not to worry. 

Hey I managed 8 minutes on the exercise bike this morning, I was really pleased. I gave the sit ups a miss though, I don't think I should be doing too many of those just yet. Neil actually laughed at me yesterday when I told him I'd been on the bike, I didn't think starting at 4 minutes was that bad, but he seemed to think it was a bit sad. Well from somebody who uses the exercise bike purely as a clothes hanger at night, I don't think that is very fair. OK maybe 4 minutes was a bit pathetic, but it was a start, and still more than 0 minutes.

I have finally got round to turning up Xanders school trousers, only one pair needed doing but I just kept putting it off, I really am not very good at sewing at all. My case was proven for me when I realised I was sewing them the wrong way round and actually making them into turn ups! I don't think he'd have been too pleased at that so I unpicked and started again, this time with the trousers inside out. Of course as silly as turn ups may have looked I'm pretty sure that having them different lengths is probably a bit of a no-no too. Ooops.

Right, I'm off now to get ready for school, wish me luck.

Eight weeks + 3

Why is it that when you break something, you then seem to go through a patch of breaking more of the same, at the moment , in this house, it's bowls. Xander managed to break 2 cereal bowls on Sunday, which is made more amusing by the fact that I was cooking sausage sandwiches for breakfast and bowls weren't really required. Then I have gone on to break 2 pyrex bowls in as many days. I think I should lock all the bowls in the house away for a while until we've got this latest craze out of our system. Our last phase was wine glasses, we just kept breaking them, until we were down to an odd set of 3, so Neil went out and bought a box of 12 and put half of them in the cupboard, we haven't broken a single one since then, so maybe the answer is to just buy loads of bowls and that will do the trick.

Oh the utility project is back on again, thinking phase is over and action is now required, Neil is putting in a false ceiling, well I asked for a sink, a ceiling is similar to that isn't it. Apparently there isn't enough insulation in the roof so a false insulated ceiling is required. And the sink? I hear you ask, well that will come but first we have to tile the bathroom upstairs. Can you see now how these things just get completely out of hand, I mean that's a bit left field even for this house. So we need to tile the bathroom, so that Neil can remove the shower from the utility to give me more room for a sink, it sounds better but I'm still a little confused as to how we ended up doing 2 rooms instead of one, but I'm trying not to complain. To be fair when we moved into this house the utility was a bathroom and the only one in the house, what was, and is now the upstairs bathroom, had been turned into the worlds smallest bedroom. Well my boys at that time were 7 and 3 so we figured having a bathroom upstairs was the first job we needed to do, but Neil put a shower into the utility/bathroom for his use. He was working on a machine more in those days and was very filthy and thought it would keep the main bathroom cleaner if he didn't use it. This is long winded, I do apologise, anyway he installed a shower last year in the bathroom (upstairs) that the boys use, and now that he is more manager than machinist and not so dirty he thinks we can live without the one in the utility. Great I get more space, but the tiling? Well I tiled the bathroom all those years ago (8) and I was working to a tight budget so I only did 3 rows around the bath, which isn't enough when there is a shower in there so off they need to come, and I get a newly tiled bathroom. While he's doing that I might get him to put floor tiles in and a vanity unit, actually floor to ceiling tiles, all round the room, don't you think. Neil is crying now, I feel sorry for him, well just a little but I will repeat, I only asked for a sink.

Hey I did some sit ups this morning (gentle ones), and I did 4 minutes on the exercise bike, I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but my legs were very wobbly coming down the stairs so I'm thinking 4 minutes was enough. If I can build myself up to about 10 minutes I actually have a real bike I could dig out from the bike shed. Or does that sound too much like real exercise? My fitness level is the main difference between me now, and me before the ops, so it's important that I build it back up. Next week I'll be back at Uni, and I'm going into to Summerhill School tomorrow to see Miss Wilson about doing a couple of mornings a week, and I need to do these things without having to not do other things like riding Malarky and walking Ned, so this exercise nonsense is important. I'll let you know tomorrow if I can build it up to 5 minutes on the bike!

Eight weeks + 2

Yesterday actually went a lot better than I thought, we played divide and conquer. I went to the horse show and Neil took Xander to get foot wear. It's funny, when your kids are little and first start having shoes, you both take them, but getting shoes pretty soon becomes a job for Mom, then as time progresses I'm assuming that if you had girls, they might go with their friends to get shoes and clothes and things. Well my boys wouldn't buy clothes and shoes and things unless they had a gun pointed at their heads so somebody needs to go with them (gun optional). Now that they are older I'm guessing it's not cool to be seen with Mom, so Dad is the lesser of two evils! I don't mind, it's nice to think that they can communicate effectively enough to buy foot wear without me. So I had a lovely, if windy, time at the show, then came home and cooked a huge Sunday dinner. Neil was carrying things through to the table saying, "is this the last" in a very hopeful voice. I'm not sure exactly how many people I was expecting for dinner but lets just say there are enough vegetables left over for another four people, who really like them (my boys don't really like veg's, Will won't eat any and Xander only sweetcorn really, and Neil, well he eats peas). Oh well left overs for me for the next two days. I did make home made yorkshire puddings though, funny there aren't any of those left over, and I had to hide the sausage meat stuffing so there was some of that. I do like cooking a huge Sunday dinner, I don't care if they don't really like it, I do, both the process and the eating, I'm in my element on Christmas day, but I do have people who come to my house to take away the left overs then, just to help me out!

Now I have a Xander funny to tell you, but you have to promise not to mention it to him, as he would be embarrassed, I know I shouldn't really tell, but it was so funny I can't help it (well it was funny at the time). So I'm driving to the woods, with Ned and Xander in the car, Ned being the reason we are going and Xander coming just for the company (I bribed him). We were driving past some fields that the local kids football clubs use for practicing on when Xander said, "you can walk your dog on there", well I was pretty sure that they were private fields and not for dog walking, so I asked what he meant, he said "there's a man on there, you can just see him", in Xanders defence there is a fence and a patchy hedge. "No, ignore me" he said "it's a lawn mower". So if anyone needs to walk their lawn mower I can give you the address of a nice field you can take it to.

He also gave me heart failure this morning, he left the house to go to school, and I always watch him and wave.Then a car pulls up, a big black one with tinted windows, I thought maybe lost and asking for directions I did think that's how they trick kids into cars. Then to my horror Xander appears to get into the car, I'm starting to wonder exactly how fast I can run in my slippers, when it pulls off and the driver waves to me, phew it's his friends Mom. I really need to get my eyes checked out, I could do without the excitement. Anyway I should probably go and do something productive, I'm toying with the idea of hanging out some washing, I'm not concerned that it might rain, just that I may have to fetch it back from the next street as it is really windy!

Eight weeks + 1

So Neils sister, her husband and their two children all came yesterday to look at the caravan. Is it a little sad that I found a lot of comfort and amusement from watching them struggle to control their naughty two year old (Chloe)? It's mainly because my kids are 11 and 15. To be fair she is just a really busy child and into everything, we had one of those, you do get past it, and most of us survive. It just brings a smile to your face knowing that it's not your problem, that she will go home and peace will return to your house. Ned really liked her, I guess they are a similar age, Xander felt that she got in the way a bit, but he liked having her brother here. Jack (her brother) is 8 and spent the afternoon having Xander as his hero, and Xander commented that it was nice, that he was being Will for the afternoon. Not that he would normally admit to Will being his hero, but strange things do happen. They only came to look at the caravan, and stayed for dinner, although we had chips from the chip shop, which is an easy solution so that I didn't have to cook, all in all a pleasant visit.

Now today I have time issues, meaning there just isn't quite enough of it in the day. I need to go and do Malarky, and Ned could do with a decent run in the woods. I have to go to a shop somewhere and get pumps and trainers for Xander for school, do not ask how that was missed in the run up to him going to school, it just was. I also want to go to Rudge where there is a horse show today, it's a fun show and Carla is judging the dressage, both horse and dog. All this and for once we are actually having a Sunday dinner, it's one of my favourite meals, but nobody elses, so I sneak them in when I can. It does mean a lot of work for me, but I enjoy it so much I don't care. I also need to do boring things like washing etc, and I still haven't turned up Xanders trousers for school. Phew, I've also promised everyone sausage sandwiches for breakfast, I must be raving mad. So if anybody knows how to add a couple of hours into the day could they do so please, just so I actually have a minute to sit down at some point. 

I now have one week before my check up appointment, and I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm distracting myself by the fact that I have my first lecture at Uni the day after. It's a stupid time as well, the lecture not the hospital appointment, 5 till 7 in an evening, so when am I supposed to eat? I will have to wait until I get home, which is a pain, it also means that the boys will have to feed themselves on a Tuesday night for the foreseeable future, well thats' pizza then! I always joke they live on pizza and beer, when I'm in hospital, but they really do like their pizza, and luckily all the same sort of toppings, I'm not sure if it will be with chicken dippers though if Neil is cooking it. I always used to think that it did them good to have to feed themselves once in a while, but after them having to do it so much lately while I was recovering, I feel a bit more guilt about it. No, it's OK,  that guilty feeling has passed, it will do them good to have to feed themselves, it's only once a week and in reality I could be at work and they'd have to do it all the time, of course then they'd all look like pizzas, but we're an odd family anyway. 

Eight weeks later

When I started this and titled each day the way I did, I don't think I thought through the complications of writing this blog for as long as I already have, never mind any longer. I mean if I'm still doing it in a years time sixty weeks later is going to look like a very odd title. It's like how old is your baby, you start in weeks, but you pretty soon progress to months, otherwise it gets a bit silly. I have the feeling this is something that I may need to look at in the future, but I guess for now it's still OK. As for it being eight weeks since my second operation, well now that is something. One of the reasons I started this was so that I could look back at the earlier weeks and see just how much progress I had made, and it is really helpful, after feeling sorry for myself yesterday I went back and read some of my early posts. It is very easy to get bogged down in day to day drudgery, and not be able to see your progress in terms of recovery, but when you look back at how little I could do at the beginning, well I'm doing really well now. Not having the energy to simply stand up to wash up is my favourite, I hardly sit down much at all these days (except for doing this). So the secret for me is to look at all the huge things that I can do now, rather than concentrating on the stupid little things that I can't. 

Last night Neil took the boys, and two of Xanders friends, to the cinema, as Xanders birthday treat (I know spoiled, but, I don't care), leaving me alone in the house with a film to watch. Again I have to use the computer, if you think watching TV is complicated you should try watching a film with the surround sound system. Anyway Neil got me Water for Elephants as he thought it would be my sort of film. So did you know they shoot a horse in the first half hour, and an elephant gets beaten up in the next, now I can't watch the trailer for the dolphin without a tail film as it makes me cry too much, can you imagine me last night. I'm sitting at the computer crying my eyes out, using dozens of tissues with the dog sitting watching me, probably thinking I'd lost the plot! Now I'm not saying that I cry more than I used to (I do), but I'm a lot more emotional than I used to be, so you get it in all directions, all my emotions are nearer to the surface, so crying is far too easy, so is yelling, but then again surprisingly so is laughing, none of it takes too much. Xander now sits watching me, if we're watching something emotional on TV (see I can use the TV if the boys are around, it's sad) he sits there waiting to see if I cry, "she's off" is all you get. Well I'm glad that I'm at least some form of entertainment to them, I'll come in handy on the long winter nights, which appear to have arrived already.

We actually have visitors coming this afternoon, it's not too exciting as it Neils sister and her family, OK that didn't come out right, it's not that they're not exciting (well to be honest, they're not really) but that their reason for visiting isn't. Good grief I'll get myself into a pickle if I'm not careful. They are coming to look at our little old caravan as they are interested in buying it. They like caravanning, but have to use Neils Mom and Dads van, and they can't tow it (due to it's size) so wherever they go Neils Dad has to take it and fetch it back. The point of this is that I really should tidy up a little, not that I care if they care if my house is a mess, but they have a two year old, and my house needs to be tidier if only for safety reasons. I don't believe in hiding your valuables, I think parents should be able to prevent their children from messing with things that they shouldn't, but maybe I should pick up the dogs bones, that he leaves around the place, and Neils empty beer bottles. Just to be on the safe side. Plus I could maybe hoover out the caravan, to make it look a bit more appealing, and yes Neil is quite aware that I can hoover now so thanks for that to whoever it was that told him. He still expects somebody other than me to hoover the stairs though so I can't completely complain. 

Seven weeks + 6

You will be glad to hear that Xander is still cheerful and humming, and has been since way too early this morning, he's playing some Xbox game he bought with his birthday money, I'm assuming he's shooting and killing people, it seems to be the way in my house that the men relax. We all went to Merry Hill last night, but instead of eating at Pizza Hut as planned went to the food court, it's a really good idea, especially if you have trouble making decisions, the choice ranges from your standard junk food (KFC & Burger King), to the more exotic (Chinese & Sushi). The problem is that a couple of the food stalls have shut down (typical problems of the current financial situation I'm guessing), and you know they were the ones that we wanted. Neil wanted Indian food, that one was shut, Xander wanted Australian (yes you heard right they had one called Oporto, Australian with grilled chicken not fried), anyway that one had shut too. Will wanted Burger King, but then it wasn't his birthday, so we sat and waited, and waited, and waited while Xander sat and thought and weighed up the options (he likes his food and these sorts of decisions can be life changing). He (eventually) decided to have KFC, which is a little mad as we have one 5 mins away from where we live, but it was his birthday and in our house you eat whatever you want on your birthday (as long as it's not too expensive), he had a Godfather box meal which I said I was relieved didn't come with a horses head, of course my kids now think I'm madder than ever and have no clue what I was on about.

I've just done my good deed for the day for the birds of this world, OK it was my cat (Denny, I have two others as well) who had the bird in his mouth and I spotted him on the drive, luckily for me (and the bird), he has a big mouth, I mean he's a very chatty cat. So the moment I opened the front door, he turned to me and said (I am guessing at this point) "Mom, look what I caught" giving the apparently dead bird the chance to fly out of his mouth and away up the street. I know it's a cats natural instinct to catch things, and I have no problem at all with my cats catching mice, but if I can save a little bird now and then I see that as a good thing. So the little bird may be a little bent for a while he flew all right so I can only assume he will be fine. Denny is now sulking on the drive, but to be fair if he learned to keep his mouth shut he'd still have his catch.

I'm planning on having another go at lunging Malarky today, I thought if I hung around until nobody was about I could have a go at doing it properly, without spectators I'm sure it would go much better. I mean I know how to do it, I even have a qualification somewhere in the house that says I know how to lunge correctly. Maybe that is my mistake, I shall dig out my certificate and take it with me, not to show the people, but to prove to Malarky, maybe once he knows what he's dealing with it will all go so much better. Can anybody else see how this could go really wrong for me, I can just imagine Malarky rolling around with laughter at the sight of a piece of paper,  plus you do have to wonder about my sanity right now. The problem is I've gone from being stuck in the house with the kids to being all by myself, there really is no pleasing some people, now I have nobody to talk to, not that the kids really talked to me, but I talked to them all the time. So I have no choice but to have serious meaningful discussions with anything I can find with a pulse, and yes this includes my animals, and any poor person who tries to ring me up to sell me something!

Actually I am really tired, I mean sleep for a week kind of tired, so maybe I should just go back to bed, I'm not sure if it's the lack of a decent nights sleep, or getting back into the back to school routine. The thing about recovering from anything is that even when you look and sound like yourself, you really aren't quite there yet. I do feel like I have to be as normal as possible for everyone around me, when there is still a big bit of me that wants to be in a grumpy stroppy mood. It's a mood roller coaster, I get that, maybe some people live like this all the time, but I don't really like it. I want to have the old me back, right now I'd settle for the one I was before the operations in July, never mind the one I was before all of this started. Sorry Cyril is getting me down at the moment, running his mouth off (subtle I know), when he's behaving I can almost (not really but it's close) forget that he's there and laugh and joke and do all the normal things a person does (we'll pretend that spinning around in a field is normal). When he's being a pain my agoraphobic urges come back and I just want to be home where I know I can cope. How can I go back to Uni when I feel like this, or back to Summerhill to help Miss Wilson in the classroom, or even shopping with my family, or worse alone? I'm not depressed, I'm just finding some things depressing right now, maybe I should watch something funny on the TV (computer) to cheer me up, or maybe I'll be really lucky and the sun will come out. The thing with roller coasters is that you can't get off, and you have to put up with the downs and hope for more ups. 

Seven weeks + 5

Well it's Xanders 11th birthday today, and it's going quite well so far, the bacon and brie paninis are always a popular choice for a breakfast treat and he's had plenty of money and from people and a present from us. Actually I bought him 11 presents and wrapped them up in layers, like a pass the parcel, they were just silly little things but he enjoyed the process, they included a magic trick a joke book and some glow sticks, you can never go wrong with glow sticks. Mind you doesn't wrapping paper take up a lot more room once it's off. Xander is incredibly cheerful this morning and humming to himself whilst he packs his lunch box, if only all mornings went this well. I feel sorry for Neil on mornings like this though, he leaves so early that he misses all the fun, and the food.

We are all going to Merry Hill this evening so Xander can spend his birthday money, and having dinner in Pizza Hut, Neil did try to persuade him that Wetherspoons would be just as much of a treat, but Xander wasn't having any of it. My kids have never eaten at Pizza Hut before but, at Wetherspoons plenty of times, nice try though Neil. Apparently Xander wants to buy an XBox game with some of his birthday money, I can't tell you which one, I know but I can't remember, it's not really my area. It took me months to realise that COD and Call of Duty were the same game (it finally clicked when I was holding it and Will was asking if I'd seen his copy of COD, you just know I was shaking my head), and when Will kept asking for Red Dead Redemption I had to get him to write it down, I just didn't understand, again it's not my area of expertise, not that I actually have one, but we've definitely ruled out anything to do with electronics. For your general information I will tell you that I use the computer a lot at home, I also watch TV on it, which would be impressive were it not for the fact that I only watch TV on the computer as I don't really know how to work Neils surround sound system, so I can't actually watch TV on the TV unless one of the boys is around to help me turn it on. All this helps you to realise why electronics are not my thing. 

Neil says I have to apologise for the paragraph about lunging equipment yesterday, he said if you had no clue what I was on about it sounds like it could be something to do with bondage, until you get to the explanation. I personally think my readers have cleaner minds than he does, but I'll apologise anyway, just in case. I wonder how many of you will go back and re-read that paragraph now to see if he's right. I'm actually quite impressed that he read my blog at all, probably just checking I'm not permanently gossiping about him. I did lunge Malarky yesterday, I could tell you that it went well, but I'd be lying. I was foolishly concerned that I didn't have a lunge whip, I needn't have been, off he went at a trot (he was supposed to be walking) round and round and round on the left rein (anti-clockwise), and nothing I did or said slowed him down. I suppose I should think myself lucky that he didn't go any faster, but I felt like a complete idiot, pivoting round and round saying "and walk", and "whoa" in as calming and deep voice as I could manage. It was tricky because your instinct when things aren't going well is to take your voice and your actions up an octave, not down, so I suppose I can give myself a small pat on the back for managing not to scream. Anyway eventually I got him to walk and halt, and knowing the rules about these things I turned him and sent him out on the other rein (clockwise), surely he was done humiliating me. No, off he went again at a really good steady trot, and not a thing I could do about it. Now there were plenty of people about to witness this extreme lack of lunging ability so now I have to make a choice, do I try to do it properly next time, ensuring they know I was a complete failure yesterday, or do I always lunge him in that speedy manner so people think I'm mad. I'll let you know what I decide. In case anyone is in any doubt as to the sanity of my sending him back out for another go in the other direction, both my arms ache today, lunging on both reins works the person equally too! 

I should get off now, I have a kitchen to clean, if you think I can make a mess grating chocolate (for the tiramisu) you should see what I can do with a bit of brie and a panini press.

Seven weeks + 4

It's OK panic over, everything has returned to normal, Will and Xander fell out, Will refused to eat any salad yesterday and they were both still in bed when I got up this morning. I feel much more comforted when everyone behaves in their natural way. I don't think getting Xander up tomorrow is going to be an issue, however, as he turns 11 in the morning. We are having bacon and brie paninis for his birthday breakfast, and pizza hut for dinner, so the day will have a slightly continental feel. He had his proper present from us in the 6 week holiday as we bought him a BMX bike, but I'm going to go to Merry Hill today and pick him a little something up, so at least he has a present to open in the morning. Wow, my youngest son will be 11 tomorrow, the years have gone by fast.

As for me, I went on a stroppy grump last night, Neil walked into a grumpy Maxine trying to cook dinner, he does have a knack of doing that. I can trundle along, in my own cheery way for days at an end, looking after the boys, my horse, the dog and Neil, not necessarily  in that order. Then I drop into a real funk of a mood, I know why, it's depressing, I'm not depressed that would be different. It's because I shouldn't be doing all these things with Cyril, I should be planning to go back to Uni (alone), thinking about lunging Malarky (alone), even going to Merry Hill or to the Summerhill School (alone). It's called feeling sorry for yourself, it passes, usually after a good nights sleep, but it lurks there in the background. So this morning I'm back to normal (cough) and planning on making everything perfect for Xander tomorrow and not thinking about my friend Cyril at all.

I hope the new look of my blog is OK with everyone, I've put links on for some cancer related websites, and some for places we've visited. I did check that they worked as for a little while the Bowel Cancer UK link kept sending me to a Japanese website, it was quite confusing. I was doing it myself though, as when I asked Will to help me he turned everything dark and black, he said it looked cool, that would be my fault for asking a 15 year old to help me. I still have some things to do, I have to put "tags", on it, or something but I'm not really sure that's within my limited capabilities. I could have put a survey on to ask if people liked my blog, but that seems silly as surely you'd all just stop reading it if it got that bad. So that's as fancy as it gets, for now.

Carla dropped off the lunging equipment yesterday, it's a special head collar called a cavesson with rings on the nose part that you can attach a lunge line to, this is a really long rope/rein for lunging a horse. Lunging is when you (the person) stand in the middle of a circle and the horse moves in a large orbit around you. It sounds a bit odd, but its a good way to get a horse fit, and you are using your voice to send them forward, and slow down. I could tell you that forward means faster, but it doesn't as in the horse world you should actually go forward into a halt. I can see this is getting too technical and confusing so I'll stop now. Anyway Malarky can go round and round, in both directions (otherwise you build up the muscles in one side more than the other), and get a little fitter and it gives my something more to do with him whilst I'm unable to ride. 

I had better go and get ready to go out now, I think today should be my actual celebration "I've got my house back" day, don't you. Merry Hill here I come. 

Seven weeks + 3

Well I have my family all back together again, I swear Will has grown and his teeth have straightened in the week he's been away, I know that seems unlikely but there you go. The celebration dinner went down quite well, and the tiramisu especially well, I got a 9.5 average score, not bad I think for a first attempt, it actually wasn't very hard to make but extremely messy. I'm not sure I'll make it too often though as the calorific value is on a par with pork scratchings! It seems to me that despite all the protests to the contrary, Xander is really glad to have Will home, they have been all joking and friendly, brotherly almost, it remains to be seen how long that will last. Plus they have both got up early this morning, which for Xander is relatively normal, but for Will it's unheard of, although he's apparently been getting up early all week, but I put that down to sleeping in an awning. Could this be a complete personality turn around, is this what a week in Woolacombe does to a person? He also said he had a burger yesterday with salad and stuff on it and actually ate most of the salad. Hang on this is all too strange, this can't be Will, where is my real son? No don't answer that I'll try this one out for a while before I make any rash decisions about tracing the original one. 

I've been trying to decide the best way to celebrate having the house to myself today, should I run around whopping and cheering, or go shopping to Merry Hill? The second option really doesn't seem in keeping with the reason for the celebration, but I'm female, shopping is always an option. Mind you Will doesn't actually have to be in school until 11 so I guess it's only for half a day, that I have the house to myself. I do still have to take Ned to the woods, and go and see Malarky, skip out the field and what not. They have the stupidest set of roadworks on the way to the field, it has tripled my travelling time to get there, and not done much for my blood pressure either, it does make it easier to get out of the gateway to come home, but only if I want to go via Wombourne, which is in the opposite direction to where I live. When I'm back at Uni, the field will be on my way, or on my way back, more likely, I never seem to allow enough time for things, it's part of the reason I thought it would be an ideal place to keep Malarky, that and the previous 5 minute travelling time to get there. So in reality if you deduct the time for all the things I have to do today, and leave a little out for lunch, I think I've got about 10 minutes to actually celebrate, looks like it's whooping and cheering then!

Talking of going back to Uni, I've got 2 weeks before the start of the semester and am starting to feel a little nervous, I'm just being silly it will be fine once I'm there, I should just keep saying that to myself. I wanted to quit at the beginning of the year, I think going back last September, when I hadn't finished my chemo was a mistake that had a knock on effect, and by the beginning of the second semester I wanted to jack it all in. Laura (big sister, who works at the Uni) told me I'd be better off if I managed to at least finish the year, it then counts as a qualification, a diploma, so at least I'd have something to show for it. Once I got to the end of the year , though, and hadn't completely made a mess of my assignments, I thought well why not just do the last year I might as well. Even with all the stuff that has happened to me recently I never considered not going back to finish my degree, but it doesn't make the process easy. On the one hand I feel like so many obstacles have been placed in front of me, trying to prevent me from completing my plan to become a teacher, it makes me even more determined to do it. On the other I'm a bit tired of having to give myself pep talks, and with going back to Uni looming I keep thinking how much easier it would be not to go back. I have moments of perfect clarity, when I know that becoming a teacher is more than the right thing to do, it's what I'm meant to do. Then I have times when I just think I'm 41, by the time I'm qualified and actually teaching, will it really be worth it? I feel another pep talk coming on, actually I should go back and do some more volunteering at Summerhill, if Maria Wilson (Head of History) will have me again, when I was there in the classroom, that's when it all felt right for me, I felt at home. Enough of my self doubt, I have a 10 year old to send to school, he's really chuffed, he's the oldest kid in the school, funny what ticks his boxes and it's something he has no control over.