Six weeks + 4

Well yesterday was quite fun, I did take it easy after a fashion, mainly because after skipping out the field I came home and fell asleep. That's a clue as to how tiring it is skipping out a field when you're not really fit, even with an official wheelbarrow pusher (Xander) doing the heavy work. As to the cheap bolognese sauce, well nobody complained, actually that's not true, Neil complained that the sauce was too watery, and Xander complained that the pieces of carrot weren't cooked enough, the point is nobody complained that half the mince was soya mince. I do think though that if I do any experimental recipes again I won't mention it to them, it may stop them picking apart my cooking, especially after Xanders suggestion that we try all of my new recipes on the dog first, in case he turns his nose up at them, then we shouldn't eat them. Considering that Ned would eat anything, and has from cat poo to whole tubs of butter spread, I'm not sure that it would be a worthwhile test! 

Xander and I had a little trip out yesterday to Cooltrader, it's like a cheap mans Iceland, which is saying something, so we could stock up the little freezer. I know it doesn't sound very exciting but we went there via McDonalds (hardly a direct route), just to make it more appealing. We were sitting in the carpark, eating our snack wraps (I am beginning to wonder why I always end up eating chicken when I go to McDonalds), when Xander started talking about a trip we took to the Safari Park. It's because he wanted to go there this week, as his "not going to Woolacombe" treat but I don't think I'm up to the driving round avoiding being sat on by camels part (the car not me personally). Anyway, he said we went in a big red car, not ours, not Carlas and I was starting to wonder if he was having some kind of mental breakdown as they seemed like the only reasonable  possibilities. Carla used to have a red short wheel base Landrover called Larry (and why not), whereas I did own a red (burgundy) Renault scenic at one point. Actually the scenic was the car I owned when Xander was 4, I remember it well as he took the keys one day and attempted to steal it, now that is another story. So then I remembered that Carla had borrowed Helens long wheel base Landrover (she was the owner of Stourton, the stables where I used to work and Carla was the manager), and we had gone to the Safari Park in it taking Sophie with us as well as Will and Xander (Sophie is a friends daughter, actually a friend now, that's how you know you are old when the children of your friends are now old enough to be your drinking buddies). Now going round the Safari Park in a long wheel base Landrover (they have 9 seats) is really the way to do it, everyone gets a good view and it feels, just a little bit more realistic, especially if the sun is shining and you squint when the steam trains go past. 

I was really impressed that he remembered it, as it must have been quite a few years ago, and I mentioned as much. "Well it's funny but I have a really good long term memory, and a really bad short term one" he replied. Now I'm a little stumped to be fair as he's 10 (he'll tell you he's 11 in weeks time) surely most of the things he has in his memory are short term? I could be wrong on this point, my knowledge of memory is sketchy at best, but if you don't remember much of anything before you are 4 or 5, and he's 10, are any of the memories that he has long term? Oh well that's living with Xander for you, he is "special" in so many ways, if you are in any doubt of that I will just refer you to the car-jacking at 4 from the previous paragraph. Now my issues with short term memory loss are actually making me walk around the house more than is normal, mainly because I keep forgetting that the washing machine is in the kitchen, so I go into the utility instead for no reason. Luckily only Ned has been witnessing this odd behaviour, and I've sworn him to secrecy by threatening to use him as a guinea pig for my future cooking experiments. Talking of washing, I should go and hang some out, I find it dries better that way, then Xander and I can plan our adventures for today.

Six weeks + 3

I could be tempting fate by saying this, but after a really busy day yesterday (busy for me, normal for most people), I'm actually not feeling like I need to spend all today in bed recovering. It would be nice if, when you are run down, you just magically woke up all fit and sprightly one morning, the reality is very different, everything feels like a real slog, and the simplest of tasks just do you in. Then all of a sudden you start to realise that you are not feeling quite so tired as before, that you can wash up without resting for two hours afterwards, and to be fair, I used to have to rest after eating at the beginning of all this. This, however, is the risky point, now is when you trick yourself into thinking that you are back to your old self and go shopping all day, and gardening, and or anything else you can think of and put yourself in bed for two days. So we will take things easy today and see how we feel later, then if all is well I may go shopping all day tomorrow instead!

I had a marathon cooking session yesterday, I made a tikka marinade for my chicken (I quartered it myself, which actually means I hacked it apart), then once that was in the fridge I carried on with one of my money saving ideas. We are all feeling the pinch, I feel particularly guilty at not having worked for ages, partly because of being ill, then knowing I was having an operation, nothing seemed sensible, plus there aren't that many jobs out there anyway. So a couple of months ago I found a recipe, when I was trawling the internet looking for money saving ideas, to ease my guilty conscience, the general idea was to make a huge batch of a mince mixture, padding out the mince with lentils and oats (yes porridge oats), then adding different things and splitting the mixture up and adding some more, you end up with about four meals worth of mince using one portion. I was very sceptical about the whole process, but you know what they say about trying everything once, so off I go chopping, and dicing, and cooking, following the instructions to the letter (that alone will shock most people) till I had a huge saucepan (stock pot) full of this mixture, now I had to let it simmer for a while, plus I was quite bored so I went on the computer. An hour later, alerted by a dreadful smell in the kitchen I realised that my money saving exercise had probably cost me a new stock pot, never mind the ingredients, so I gave it up as a bad job. Then last week I had an idea, I know I should be really careful about these things, still I wondered if I could do a similar thing, but use soya mince to pad out the actual mince (I was never really convinced about the oats). So I made a huge batch of chopped stuff (onions, celery, peppers and carrots) and flavourings, then I cooked 500g of mince and a pack of soya mince, then I made a bolognese sauce for dinner tonight with about a third of these mixtures and some mushrooms, and chucked a selection of tinned beans and spices into the rest of it to make a huge batch of chilli. I know this is sad and I'm going into too much detail, but if it works OK and I need to do it again it may help me to have actually written it down somewhere. I am well known for "creating" meals which my family really enjoy only to find I'm unable to repeat the success, because I have no clue what I put in them. Anyway I'll let you know, or not depending on how it all tastes.

Just to make things different yesterday I didn't fall out with anyone, I know we are at reduced capacity with Will being away, but still you have to be impressed. Neil and Xander, however, fell out big time, I blame Neil for putting the pressure washer down temporarily, and for having a face, as without these two things occurring Xander wouldn't have shot him in the face with the pressure washer and started a riot. I knew there was trouble when Xander came in and went to bed, he's always done that, whenever he is upset, or injured, up to bed he goes until he feels better. So I tried to play peacemaker, although it does have to be said there is a reason I fall out with everyone so often, (lack of patience and tact) so I'm not sure I was the ideal candidate to attempt to broker some kind of peace deal. I think it may have been when I said that I hadn't had lunch yet, to Xander that I realised my head wasn't really in the game, focussed I was not. Well Neil and Xander made up eventually, OK so Neil had to go upstairs and fetch him down, but I like to think that like a reluctant jar, I loosened him a little!

Today it is just us two (Xander and me) with Will away and Neil back at work, I do like bank holidays but I'm going to spend all day today thinking it is Monday and be very surprised when tomorrow is Wednesday. I'm bad enough knowing what day it is with the kids being on holiday from school, I don't really need the extra help with extra days off for Neil as well. Still I'm sure we can find some fun things to do today and if we go out at least there won't be any arguments about who gets to sit in the front, oh the joys of children.

I would just like to add a quick note, I always proof read my blog before I post it, it doesn't eliminate mistakes but it does reduce them, today it was a good job as I had actually typed "cooked 500g of mice" which really would have made quite a difference to the recipe!

Six weeks + 2

Well I am running late this morning, I guess that's what lazy bank holiday mornings are for, I didn't have the best nights sleep either, I had some really weird dreams and woke up with a strong urge to send Neil all the way to Woolacombe to get Will back. It's a totally irrational idea that seems to make more sense at 4 o'clock in the morning, and I'm pretty sure Will would not have been impressed to find his Dad on his doorstep first thing (do awnings have doorsteps?). I know sometimes it's hard balancing being a bit overprotective with letting your kids do things, I do quite well normally, but again I think it's a reaction to the operations, you see a bit more fragility in the fabric of life, works for Will too, who told me yesterday he wanted to ring me every day to make sure I was OK, something he wouldn't have considered a couple of years ago. Every thing that has happened to me, and changed me in so many ways, has also changed everyone else in the house you just don't always know how.

We had a lovely visit to Neils Mom and Dads yesterday, she has some really impressive bruises on her arm, and I discovered something that I thought I should pass on. First of all you do have to understand that if you have a sore area on your body, no matter where it is, all your family members, your pets and even inanimate objects seem attracted to it, you will get bumped, banged, knocked and shoved constantly in the one place that you really don't want. It's why my cats are still banned from my bedroom at night, they all would try to sit on my belly, or if I'm really unlucky, use me as a trampoline, something nobody would enjoy, and certainly not for the recently operated on. Anyway, as we were leaving yesterday, Neil went to give his Mom a hug, and she flinched expecting him to hurt her, now he didn't (he can be quite gently), trouble is the flinching hurts anyway, now he insisted he was going to be careful and knew not to touch his Moms arm, but she didn't know that, hence the flinching. So I think there should be a, hugging an injured person etiquette, whereby the hugger makes a point of saying something like "I'll be gentle", or "I wont touch your arm", giving the huggee a chance to relax through the process, taking the comfort that was intended. There will always be accidents, the last time Eileen (Neils Mom) hugged me her handbag slipped off her shoulder and whacked me in the stomach, these things do happen, but if we could keep the flinching to a minimum, maybe the huggees can get all the love and comfort intended for them without it being a trial for them physically.

Now as to the "utility project", well I got downstairs this morning to find the washing machine in the gap in the kitchen, with washing in, working and everything. I was quite impressed, I did say that Neil shouldn't have lugged it out of the utility by himself, although as he pointed out how much use would I have been in the process. A reasonable point I suppose! It is moving along at a nice steady pace, as all projects should do, at some point though I think I am going to have to stop saying "I don't mind" and actually make some decisions. Well I'm guessing it doesn't need to be today. I have to go and do housewife type things now for a bit, I have a chicken to marinate (like you do) and washing to hang out, then we'll have to see how the rest of the day goes.

Six weeks + 1

I actually drove to my horse yesterday, OK Neil skipped out the field, but that's not the point. I drove and I fed him and I groomed him a little, then gave up as he's totally brown, and supposed to be white. It was so nice just to be there, feeling like a horse owner again, still I can't thank Carla enough for looking after him, never mind being my chauffeur, she's been brilliant. So I drove there and back to Neil commenting on how aggressively I drive my car, well it's mine, anyway I think aggression is in the eye of the passenger seat person, as I don't think I do, but that he does. That is one of those things that can never be solved. I'm looking forward to spending a couple of days with Xander this week, I think we should go somewhere nice, even if it's just for a picnic, knowing that Will is living it up in Woolacombe I think I can spoil Xander just a bit.

As for Will, he is safely away with his friend, he didn't take his guitar, which he's been practising a lot over the hols (he only started playing at the beginning of August and he already sounds musical), I have promised him some proper lessons when he starts back to school. He did, however, take my laptop (after removing the flower stickers). To give you some idea how he and his friends work, he and another of his mates both took laptops to Bens house, then they sat there all playing the same game with each other on the laptops in the same room, communicating both in the real and the cyber world. Me personally I do not get it, but then I was confused when the first Lego game came out, where you build stuff and have an adventure on the screen with virtual Lego, not on your floor with actually Lego, too strange!

I have offered to cook Neil an English breakfast so I better not be on here too long (it is a bank holiday weekend, any excuse for a treat), we picked up some beer sausages at Lidls this week, they sound too nice for a sandwich so I thought I'd spoil the two men I have left. I am off for my first visit today , if you don't count Shropshire, we are popping to see Neils Mom, after her fall last weekend I think she's feeling a bit low and could do with a cheering up visit. I've put the little cross stitch in a frame for her, and our smiley faces will have to do the rest. I think I'll let Neil drive there and back as it's a lot further than the woods or the field, I will be building up my driving distances during the week to get me ready for next week when I'm on my own.

I was a good girl this morning, did some gentle stomach exercises, I do wonder how much workable stomach muscles I actually have left, but it's worth a go. I wonder if I should go swimming or something it would probably help, mind you once I'm back at Uni, which will only be in a couple of weeks, I don't think I'll have the time. Walking the dog, and skipping out the field will have to be my workout of choice, mind you not having English breakfasts might help my waistline too, still you only live once. Right I'm off to the kitchen, I'll let you know if the sausages are any good or not.

Six weeks later

It's amazing, the weeks really have flown by, when I started writing this three weeks ago I had only intended it as a way to keep myself, mentally, going until I got to 6 weeks. Now I find that writing this every morning has become part of my daily routine, and yes still very therapeutic. Everyone goes through times when they need somebody to talk to, but they don't always know who that somebody should be, me I write a blog, I talk to the imaginary world of the internet and I find it helps, I get all those things off my chest that would otherwise fester and make me grumpy and stroppy. It does have it's negative points though, as I find when I'm chatting to my Dad on the phone (like last night) and would normally tell him all the things that have gone on in the week, good and bad, my brain doesn't seem to have anything to offer, as if writing it in my blog wipes it out somehow, it was not a very interesting chat for him at all, I must keep a couple of things back so at least I don't bore him to death next time.

So what about this magical "6 weeks", what does it really mean for me? The main thing is really the driving, although I did pop out on Thursday, being able to drive myself to the woods, to the shops and to my horse, this is all very important. There is always the freedom element, when you are used to having on your own car, it comes as quite a challenge having to manage without one. Of course in the first few weeks after my operation(s) I didn't really want to travel anywhere so it wasn't too much of a thing. But, these past couple of weeks, especially with it being the 6 week holiday, it's been a bit of a nightmare, I don't just mean I couldn't take my kids out anywhere, I mean I couldn't get out away from my kids! I can also now start to exercise, I'm not up to loads of sit ups, running and riding just yet, (does that imply I used to run, I didn't, but I could start) just gentle stomach exercises,walking and swimming. (OK I don't swim either, I can, maybe I should start that too?) Basically I'm not convalescing any more, just recovering, that's recovering my fitness, my health and maybe if I'm lucky a bit more of myself.

As to today, well I already have washing on the line, I'm eternally optimistic even with the weather. I have to pack Will a bag to take to Woolacombe, yes I'll pack it for him, I know he won't learn that way but it is the less painful route. He tried to run away once, when he was about 7, he packed a bag then, all of his underwear and no clothes, these days he'd do the opposite, OK so maybe I should do it with him, instead of for him. I am also taking over the care of my horse Malarky today, it makes sense  as for the next three days Neil can help and then I have Xander for a week, then if I'm still struggling with anything I can just wait until after school for either of the boys to help me. I owe Carla so much for looking after him for me, and will somebody please remind me that I actually owe her money as well! I've missed Malarky so much, not just seeing him but the looking after him, and the routine of it. That's another thing I'm recovering, some routine in my day, I think that's another reason I like writing this blog. When I was in the middle of having chemo, and feeling really sorry for myself I might add, I had Ned as my reason to get up in the morning. Neil and the kids, well they could look after themselves, but I had to look after Ned, you can't hide away from the world when you have a dog, no matter how much you may want to, it's always good to have a reason to get out of bed. Now I have Ned, Malarky and my blog, of course I have Uni too, but that's another matter for another morning.

Five weeks + 6

Well the last couple of days finally caught up with me last night and I fell asleep on the settee, luckily Neil managed to get me up to bed without waking me up too much. There was a time, (a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, no that's another thing) when he would have carried me to bed, but we're both past that kind of thing, plus one or both of us would have ended up in hospital so shaking awake and gentle persuasion seemed like the safer option. I was tired because I did drive to the woods yesterday, I took Xander with me for protection, not sure if it was mine or other peoples. We walked around the woods for about an hour, I lied to Xander and said there wouldn't be many bugs because it had been raining, and the woods were teeming with hover flies all flying just above head height it was a little scary. When we got back to the car we drove to the main car park where there is an ice cream van, he's normally there on Sundays, but in the 6 weeks holiday he hangs around in the week as well. We had a 99 each which were £1.50, Xander has no problem with that, "what's in a name?", he wasn't quoting Shakespeare just being obvious. We did have chocolate sauce and chocolate sprinkles, so the £1.50 didn't seem too bad, and it was a very nice treat indeed.

I did, however, fall out with Will yesterday, it's a shame, he has been so good, and grown up about all the things that have happened to me, I know it has hit him really hard and he worries about me a lot, but he is still 15, and his mouth is sore because his brace was tightened on Wednesday, so I can appreciate he was feeling less than friendly. So we fell out, firstly because he wouldn't come to the woods with me, then because I asked him to help cook dinner , which he really didn't want to do, and he made one small mistake, which I may have over reacted to, then he stropped off and said he wasn't hungry anyway. I'm guessing he may get his overreacting from me, who knows? I then shouted at him, I may have told him he was a selfish little boy, none of which is true, then I threw something and  broke it, it was a tea light holder I'd had for years and it was to hand. This then had Xander scuttling about the kitchen with a dustpan and brush fretting about the dog cutting himself, and I was in tears. Into this serene and peaceful landscape walked Neil. You would think he'd have a sixth sense about these things after all these years, and turn around and go to the pub, I would. So in walks Neil, he sees what Xander is doing and looks at me, "I broke it, on purpose", to which he replied "I know". Now that is nearly 22 years of marriage showing, I've always thrown things, first time was a cup of coffee across the living room when we'd been married about 6 months, I guess you learn (or buy plastic crockery). Still he brought with him peace and brought forth apologies, then asked how long dinner would be. I'm still not sure if his peacemaking abilities at 6.30 in the evening are really down to the fact he's desperately hungry and a swift solution will bring about food much quicker, who knows, but we were all fixed and sitting down to eat together before too long. Aren't families great!

I  finally finished my shopping list yesterday, now Neil and I were planning to go this afternoon, as he finishes a little early on Fridays, but, I'm now toying with the idea of doing it during the day with the boys. My trip to the woods being successful, what could go wrong with a trip to the supermarket with my boys? OK now that I've said that out loud I can see that there are lots and lots of things that could go wrong with that, I'll wait for Neil to come home. See sometimes you just need someone to say things to, you don't even need a reply, an idea that seemed fine in your head becomes a really stupid idea just by letting it out into the open. That is brilliant therapy, it means that I'm not mad doing this, it is helping after all. No it doesn't mean I'm not mad, full stop, just not for actually writing a blog about stuff!

Well I am running late this morning, which is the product of a good nights sleep, and in no way a complaint. I have a lot to do today including finding a way to bribe Will to go to the barbers (he's allergic), as he's off to Woolacombe for the week and won't be back until Monday 5th September, and then he's back to school the next day. Before anyone mentions about me leaving this a bit late, trust me the barber thing has been an ongoing battle for a couple of weeks and I'd like to remind everyone of the "taller and smarter" than me comment about Will from a previous blog. So wish me luck.

Five weeks + 5

Well the high point of my day yesterday was being unable to remove the childproof lid off a bottle of bleach, at that point you know you are in trouble. Yesterday was a very long day, as I was awake at 5 o'clock, blame Cyril, the name for my stoma (thanks Karen), I had a trip out in the afternoon to the orthodontists with Will. I have assured Carla that it is the last chauffeuring that she will have to do, which she said was tempting fate, I will probably break my leg now or something equally as stupid. Then, once Neil was home we all went to Merry Hill, to eat and to buy shoes, trousers, school bags, pens etc you know the drill. We eventually got home at 9.30, now for me that was a very long and busy day, on top of all my exciting housework, and moving the little freezer (part of the utility project).

I was at the Wetherspoons in Merry Hill, sitting at a table with Xander, as Neil and Will had gone to order the food, when I noticed a ladybird, just sauntering casually across his cheek. On any other child this would have been odd, but Xander spent days of his early years wandering around Stourton (the riding school where I used to work) with a pet ant or something similar. So Xander promptly named the ladybird Bob (he apologised in case he was a she) and we spent the rest of our time and meal watching him (or her) walk round and round in circles on his coat, that was placed carefully behind Xander on the back of his seat. Bearing in mind that Neil and Will had no idea about the ladybird, we were actually nearly at the end of our meals before Neil said "what do you two keep looking at?" The options are 1 - Neil isn't really very observant. 2 - He was really hungry and just didn't look up. or 3 - (my personal favourite) Xanders and my behaviour is so off the wall most of the time that constantly glancing behind us to look at his coat, just didn't register as odd behaviour at all. Well Xander and I left Neil and Will in Wetherspoons (Will is a slow eater at the best of times, but a new wire in his brace makes his teeth ache so it takes even longer, we should have ordered him soup), anyway we lost Bob somewhere outside the Disney shop so I hope he enjoyed the experience.

On to the utility project, before we can do anything we need to clear it all out, which is tricky as the washing machine is in there, there's a tumble drier too but it doesn't work properly, unless you want your clothes setting alight it's best left alone. So I need to find a temporary new home for the washing machine. Now I used to have a dishwasher in the kitchen but now I have a little freezer, it doesn't wash the dishes very well but once we stopped putting them in there and filled it with food (see I do think I'm funny) it worked much better. Now little freezers don't need a water supply so I thought I could move it to somewhere where I could just plug it in and the washing machine could go in it's place. So yesterday I rearranged the extension end of the kitchen and made space for the little freezer, getting Will and Xander to move it before anyone cries "it's not 6 weeks yet". Now the rearranged extension looks quite nice, so I think that once the "utility project" is completed and the little freezer goes back I will have a nice extra bit of space in the kitchen. Brilliant,  choice is do I fill it with another piece of furniture, or an american style fridge freezer. Neil is groaning already, you can probably hear him!

I was thinking of being really naughty and driving to the woods today, it's not very far and I really miss my walks there with Ned (yes I was planning on taking the dog). It is only 2 days until I can officially drive, and it's driving me nuts that I can't! I am getting responsibility for Malarky back on Saturday, giving me extra help for a few days with wheelbarrow emptying, it has to be pushed up a ramp so it's the only thing I'm going to have a problem with. I just would like my life to go back to normal (I know I can hear the laughter, since when was my life normal), going to see Malarky and trips to the wood with Ned would really help with that, so it would seem a natural progression in my recovery. Does that sound convincing or can I just break the rules and drive anyway? I'm not sure, we will have to see how daring I feel this afternoon.

Five weeks +4

Turns out I had a very serious case of COCD (Cross-stitch Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) yesterday, if you ignore absolutely everything, phones, doorbells and injured and or bleeding children, it is possible to complete a simple cross-stitch in just a couple of hours. Then of course you go into some kind of major withdrawal, and desperation sets in as you consider finishing a painting by numbers you started in 1987, that you are sure is in the loft somewhere. OK maybe some of that is made up, but I did finish the little cross-stitch. I also think that Neil may be reading my blog as he accused me of losing interest in the "utility project", oops. Well he then started discussing some way of insulating the ceiling and asked me what I thought so I replied "I don't mind", which he said wasn't funny, I beg to differ.

On a more serious note, and I do occasionally have them, I just want it down on record that I really do not like my stoma. I think I should give it a name, firstly it has to be male (traditionally all I get out of it is hot air and you know what), but it has to be a name that you sort of spit out, that can't be said with any real affection. I can't explain how it feels to have one, but if you think about breaking in a new pair of shoes, crossed with potty training a toddler, crossed with sitting for a really long time on a hard chair listening to somebody really boring. Well it doesn't come close, but you get the picture. It's annoying, frustrating and sometimes painful, and I had perfectly good one, now I'm breaking in a new one that I'm getting really fed up with. Phew glad I got that off my chest, sorry.

I did something quite naughty yesterday, I drove my car around the block. Before anybody gets too excited and phones my insurance company, and my consultant. I do only have 3 days left before I can officially drive, and as I pointed out to Will (apparently my official keeper), the chances of actually meeting moving vehicles outside my house at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, is pretty minimal. Being able to swerve into them and really cause damage, I'd have to be asleep! Xander said, "what if you'd passed out?", I really am going to have to stop talking to my children. I know they've had to be concerned about me for so long, but they have actually begun to think I'm invalided and an imbecile all rolled into one. OK so they may have a point about the passing out, but I never went more than 10 miles an hour, and couldn't that actually apply to anyone, and if we all considered it a possibility none of us would ever drive anywhere. Will then calculated how many days it would be before he could drive, thinking this was a suitable solution to letting his mother loose on the roads, 542 (I've checked it should be 543 as next year is a leap year, but we'll let that pass). Having said all that I'm beginning to wonder if it is me who has the problem, as there are two of them and they seem totally in agreement on my mental and physical inadequacies.

Talking of Will, he's off to the orthodontist this afternoon, to have his brace tightened, sounds pretty torturous. She's very nice (the orthodontist) but Will is convinced she doesn't like him, I guess that's part of the whole having a brace and having it tightened experience. I have added this paragraph about Will on purpose as he never actually reads my blog so I pointed out I could put anything in here I liked about him, even really embarrassing and he'd never know! So this is a test, cruel I know but he's 15, taller, thinner and way smarter than me so I like to get ahead of the game once in a while.

I should get off now, I have housework to do, (sad) and children to wake up (sadder), and a shopping list to write (have you all lost the will to live yet?) Ooh I just found a half done cross-stitch in the office drawer, Bye.

Five weeks + 3

I have the feeling that my busy few days away and weekend finally caught up with me, as I was asleep by 8 o'clock last night and slept for 12 hours! Either that or I am really getting old. Yesterday was a nice peaceful day for me, the boys and I just pottered about the house not doing much of anything really. It made a nice change from my  somewhat hectic break away. I know enjoyed it but it took a lot out of me. I am continuing in the peaceful vein this morning doing a cross stitch I found in a drawer in the office, I used to do lots of them years ago, I can't remember why I gave them up, oh hang on a minute, the strained eyesight the burning aching fingers, no that's not it, it was the obsessive way I wouldn't stop until I was finished. Oh well I only have the one!

I am having a bit of an interesting dilemma at the moment, one that I'm not sure whether it is funny or not. Now when I was in hospital and home recovering Neil had to be in charge of the shopping, even when I started cooking again I still wasn't able to shop. Now I'm cooking pretty much all of the time (if you ignore the days away eating out!) I still find going shopping quite tiring. Anyway Neil seems to be obsessed with where we shop, now I always shopped where ever I wanted, I wrote a menu a list and I did the shopping all whilst he was at work. I've tried most of the local supermarkets, I even had a brief stint shopping at Aldi on my way home from Uni. OK so that ended in disaster, I got accused of shoplifting by the store detective, he asked me to empty my pockets and looked in my hand bag, for hand cream, it was a horrifying experience and I refuse point blank ever to go into an Aldi again. I did complain and they did send me a £10 voucher as compensation, tough, the voucher is in the drawer and they have permanently lost my trade. Neil does refer to Aldi as the shop I am banned from but don't believe him it's self imposed. Enough of my criminal past and back to the dilemma, I want to go back to the way it should be, with me writing a list and doing the shopping where I want to but Neil is convinced his input in valuable (it is his money). He thinks that because the bills were lower when he went shopping he was doing it right, he bought instant rubbish and frozen ready meals, sure the kids enjoyed it living on a diet of pizza and beer (I'm slightly kidding about the beer), but not a piece of fruit, a vegetable or salad entered this house under Neils regime. Once I started writing a list and shopping again, back went the good stuff, plus real meat, and up went the shopping bill. So how do I take back control when money wise he thinks he knows better, and without hurting his feelings. I could try, you have a company to run, let me run the house! But it sounds a bit shouty and rude!

Well I'll leave that one for you all to ponder over, along with the burning question "How does Neil put up with that pilfering crazy woman?, as I have a cross stitch burning a hole in my lap, that I have to get back to. Lets all hope for another calm peaceful day, and we'll try to keep the dilemmas to a minimum.

Five weeks + 2

Isn't it funny the things we take for granted, I've discovered a new one this morning, tossing and turning. I didn't want to get up at 7.15, not when I didn't have to so I tossed and turned and tried to get back to sleep, then I thought about just a couple of weeks ago when I was first home from the hospital and tossing and turning was impossible. I would spend my nights, partially sat up in bed with a mass of pillows behind me and to the sides, and a line of then between Neil and I to prevent bumps and bangs (please no rude thoughts). I would lie pretty much in the same position all night long and sleep, or not. Look at me now, tossing and turning, even lying on my stomach, now that is progress! So next time you have a good toss and turn about in bed, be happy and think of all the people on the planet who can't right now!

Hey this "utility project" has taken on a life of it's own, we've gone from adding a sink, to totally gutting the room and tiling it from top to bottom. Neils tiling experience is minimal, and he's never done floor tiles, so he looked it up on the internet. First using some sort of degree level mathematics you have to find the centre of the room,  then you place a row of tiles down to see how they look, if you end up with a small gap at the end you can simply shift them all along. Well I said what's the point in all the fancy calculations to find the centre of the room, it's a utility, nobody cares, just start in the corner! I don't think that he thinks I'm taking this project seriously, he may be right. I just wanted a sink, is this turning into a "be careful what you wish for" situation? Because I'm making it quite clear, "I WANTED A SINK". I do agree that it would be nice to be all tiled, and with a new toilet etc, but I do seem to have lost interest in the project, there are only so many, "I don't minds" he will be prepared to take before he starts telling me it was my idea, I will then refer him to the previous statement, and a divorce lawyer (I'm only kidding about the lawyer).

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, probably not as it's a negative thing to talk about, but I panic about things. I don't mean I worry about situations, I mean sometimes things happen and I feel I can't cope and start to actually panic. I don't know why and I certainly never used to, I've always dealt quite calmly with even emergency situations, I'm really hoping it's something that will sort itself out as I can't see them leaving me in charge of a classroom full of children if the slightest thing sends me into a panic attack. I wonder if it's feeling protected from the real world, a strange reaction from all the drugs I've had pumped through my system, or a mild form of post traumatic stress disorder. If you accept that what happened to me was traumatic, although I am not totally prepared to, I think it was more traumatic for those who love me. I could of course just be nuts, which is worth considering. Anyway the point of this was the phones ringing, Neil and the boys had taken Ned to the woods and I was cooking the dinner (I was drinking a small glass of wine whilst watching Casualty on BBCi player, there were potatoes involved but it really wasn't cooking). I had just popped to the toilet when the house phone rang, I wasn't concerned I knew it wouldn't be Neil as he'd have rung my mobile, but I checked it for a message when I got back to cooking (please see previous bracket). There was a message from Neils Dad, sounding all very serious, his Mom had had a fall at his sisters house, had badly injured her shoulder and was being seen by paramedics, and would be going to Stafford A&E. We're still not sure if the most worrying part was the "injured" or the "Stafford" but still. At this point I rang Neils mobile phone, only to hear his Hawaii Five O ring tone emanating from the kitchen, before anyone passes comment he likes the show (the new one) a lot and has a hankering to visit the country as well. So thinking my husband has missed the mobile point on mobile phones, I hopefully rang Will, amazingly Will answers and I start explaining about the phone message. They were on their way home at this point so all was OK, then Xanders mobile phone started ringing, then Neils mobile started ringing, I put my phone down and it rang in my hand. Now I'm not sure if it was the level of desperation that I thought the situation must have been far more serious if they were attempting to ring every single number that they had for us, or just that all the phones were ringing but it sent me into a mild sort of panic. I felt like I couldn't breathe properly, quite scary, and a total over reaction to the situation (both me and them). It turns out that after X-rays etc, Neils Mom is OK, that nothing was broken, mind you even muscular damage can be very painful and takes a lot of time to heal, longer the older you are. As for the panic mode, well I think we will put that one down to experience and try to minimise the number of actual phones near me when I'm alone, for the time being at least.

Five weeks + 1

Three weeks ago when I actually left hospital I was quite convinced that my calf muscles, (which were not huge anyway, Carla called me chicken legs) had completely disintegrated. I guess two weeks lying around in a bed can do that to legs. I had to drag myself upstairs when I got home as I just didn't have the muscles power available to manage it normally. Turns out though, I do still have calf muscles, and they are absolutely killing me. Either that or somebody has been punching me in the back of my legs during the night, I suppose it is unreasonable to potter about on unfit pins for the best part of three weeks then walk them off for three days! Still thinking I just may have calf muscles is comforting, as I'm really going to need them when I get around to riding again!

Starting riding is something I'm looking forward to, but like the driving is also a little (a lot) scary. After my first operation my centre of balance seemed to have moved, which altered my riding position, riding is a lot to do with centre of balance, so I'll probably have learn a whole new riding position again, which at my age takes a great deal of patience (something I'm not known for). The secret is it's back to Neils baby steps, don't do too much, don't expect too much, and when you are fit enough and riding regularly again, it won't feel like so much of a battle. I think to begin with we'll just walk around a bit, and I probably should have extra people there just in case. Mind you it will be a while before I even think about riding, driving to the field and skipping it out really should come well before that, plus grooming, now that is an all body exercise! I can start really gentle exercises at the 6 weeks mark, no sit ups or running, just doing old people exercises, simple and nice and slow (I do apologise if I offended any old people). 

Well I wonder what today will bring, I found Will still up at 5 o'clock this morning, so we decided to let him sleep until 11, then we are going to drag him out of his pit! I'll let Neil do that, sounds like something I shouldn't be doing, heavy lifting I think that would come under. It took a good chunk of yesterday to get Will back into the land of the living people after two days without us, it may take a good few days to undo his new nocturnal regime. Its what I like and dislike about the internet/xbox, it's great he has friends all over the world, trouble is he has friends all over the world, there is always somebody up!

I tried baking a Camembert yesterday, couldn't get the posh little bread (fusette) so we went with bread sticks, it was great fun to share between us and nearly worked, next time I'll cook it at a lower temp for longer so that it all melts, still it tasted great. They were buy 2 for £3 from Sainsburies so I can have another go again soon! Well I have a fun starter, now I need a posh main course and a pudding, oh and some friends, then I've got myself a dinner party! I know the cheese is just like a fondue without the fondue, but I like the simplicity and the sharing aspect of it. OK too many daytime cookery programmes are showing, still it was easy, just chuck it in the oven for 15 mins and hey presto! I like that sort of cooking, cuts down on the guest abandonment. Now I'm hungry, missing my English breakfast I've been having whilst away I should think, a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes just doesn't quite meet with the expectations!

I had a book come from Amazon, while we were away, "Battle Cry for Freedom", about the American Civil War, it's for one of the modules that I'm doing in September, 862 pages now that will take some reading, I really hope it has a happy ending, I'm guessing (knowing the outcome of the Civil War), that will depend who's side I'm on. It's funny I love my Kindle, couldn't live without it now, I certainly would have found it really hard in hospital, I think it's perfect, full to brimming with fiction, all blood and guts and gruesome murders (and Dick Francis), book after book, available at the touch of a button. However,  I like my history text books to be physically available on the shelf, to pick up and put down, or to have them arranged all around me when I'm writing an essay, having them on the kindle just wouldn't work. Aren't people odd! OK maybe just Maxine is, it makes me either quirky and adorable, or twisted and a pain in the neck, depending on whether or not you are married to me I suppose. 

Five weeks later

Well have I had a couple of really nice and relaxing days? Yes and No. The placed we stayed (Burlton Inn), was lovely, the accommodation was very clean and more than enough for our stay, plus being separate from the actual pub, and each suite having it's own front door,  you felt you could come and go as you pleased. The food, however, was amazing, we had breakfast included in the price and ate both our evening meals there. It's all local produce and incredibly well cooked and presented, and Neil had Toblerone cheesecake for a pudding, again completely homemade by the chef, unbelievable. I now have to work out how to bake camembert cheese to give my kids a taste of the starter we had. The only downside to the pub was being a real eating place it was all tables and chairs for that purpose, not the sort of pub you felt you could just spend all evening in drinking, mind you they didn't have any really interesting cider and only a couple of real ales, plus we were too tired to do that anyway, so it didn't really matter.

The No, side to the relaxing has to be that on Thursday, after having booked into the pub, we went to Ellesmere a pretty little place, walked around a bit and had lunch. If you like lakes and don't fancy the trip to the lake district it's like a mini version in that area. Anyway then we went to Oswestry, walked around a lot, and then made our way back to the pub for a rest and then dinner. On Friday we went to Wrexham, not knowing quite what to expect, but actually the town centre is architecturally very interesting, as long as you look up (as you always should in any town), like a lot of town centres at the moment it has it's fair share of empty shops, and pound shops, but overall it was quite pretty, we walked all round the town, then had lunch in the Wetherspoons (Neil does like his real ale). We then travelled to a local National Trust property called Erddig (pronounced Erthig) Hall, it's not that big but is an incredibly interesting house, a really good example of upstairs/downstairs life (the name of a module I'm doing in semester 2) and the gardens are maintained beautifully. My only complaint was that we felt shunted through the house a little quick by the staff, possibly something that doesn't happen in quieter times (why am I here in the 6 week holiday I ask myself?). So we walked all round the house and a great deal of the gardens, it's definitely worth a visit, and they do a quiz/trail thing for kids too, which is always a good idea. After that we went to Whitchurch, we walked round there a bit, and wish we hadn't bothered, the only interesting shops shut at 4 o'clock, very strange, so back in the car we went to go (home) to the pub. 

Now anyone with kids will understand that leaving your kids at home alone, even with a mate, you want to be able to check that they are ok, this became an interesting task. Neither of us had any kind of phone signal at the pub, but they did have a Wi-Fi connection. Great so we got the code and logged on the first evening to the internet and I messaged Will via Facebook, not that I was holding my breath for a reply but it was a start. I also messaged Bens Mum (Claire) who had Xander for me, I was much more hopeful there, I told her about the lack of signal, but I wasn't too worried. Then we got into our room and discovered that the Wi-Fi didn't work that far away from the pub, oops, but if you sat up in bed and held your phone as high up as you could (standing next to the bed did not work), you could get just enough signal to get a text message out. Which I then did again to Will (with no real hope) and Claire explaining now about the Wi-Fi and the tiny phone signal. This strange combination of text and facebook enabled us to ensure everyone was fine. OK the dog broke the TV cabinet, but something always has to happen, so that's an acceptable loss.

So here I am back home after my "relaxing break", I'm totally exhausted but we did have a good time, and I won't lie I did enjoy all the eating out. I suppose I even quite enjoyed the travelling, once we were there, some of the countryside in that area is quite beautiful. But, like most travellers, I am glad to be home, and will sleep better in my own bed, sad but true. Hang on does this mean I'm back to doing all the cooking again, damn, that is a blow!

Four weeks + 5

Well today is the day of our trip, I didn't sleep very well, could be nerves or excitement, and all that positive thinking really did not work as I have a cold but still I'm up, which is a start. I still haven't finished packing I can't decide exactly what to take, Neil is like "I just need some jeans and a couple of t-shirts", why don't men agonise over what to take away with them, do they have a nerve missing or something. Anyway at the moment I'm trying to eat my breakfast and Neil is buzzing about in the kitchen, he's already printed off a map of our route, and told me how we are getting there and why we are not taking a particular route around Shrewsbury. Oh and where do I want to go this afternoon, back into Shrewsbury or Oswestry as where we are staying is 12 miles from everywhere so it doesn't really matter. Did I say I was going away for some peace and quiet? Maybe I didn't, that would be my mistake, I love my husband dearly but not first thing in the morning when I'm not awake and we are going on a trip!

OK I've just had a very emotional and excited sister on the phone as her eldest son (Nathan) gets he A level results today, now I can't tell you what they are, no it's not a sworn to secrecy thing I really can't tell you and neither can he, but his first choice of University (Coventry) has texted him congratulations on getting in, I had no idea that they actually didn't have to get out of bed to find out. This is another tool I can use on my eldest (Will) to persuade him to actually do A levels, and go to Uni!

Well I should go and get ready, I know it's short and sweet today but I am actually getting out so I think that's a good reason, there will be no blog tomorrow, again for the same reason, but, I'm betting Saturdays will be a different story.

Four weeks + 4

I woke up this morning with a really bad sore throat, as I am going away tomorrow for a couple of days, we are going to use the power of thought, to persuade my body I've been snoring like a steam engine all night and am NOT coming down with a cold! Good now that's over and done with I can carry on with my day. I've got major snack shopping coming late morning, Will helped me order it on line just yesterday and it will be here by lunchtime today, you do have to love the internet (and ASDA). I managed to bump it up to fifty quid to use my free delivery voucher so that was a plus too, OK I may have added some wine onto the snack list, but I'll only be gone for 2 days I may need a drop of wine over the weekend!

I've lit Neils "blue touch paper" on a DIY project in the house, to set the scene properly - I may have mentioned an idea I had about the utility, and he spent a good chunk of yesterday evening on the internet. Project commencing I think, I'm really lucky, unlike some women, I don't have to nag and nag about something that needs doing, just plant a reasonable seed. To be fair these occurrences are not uncommon in my house, my favourite was the corner settee. I found a beautiful corner settee at Ikea one day, brown soft leather, really comfortable, surrounded by couples with tape measures shaking their heads. It just wouldn't fit in our living room, the room was the wrong shape, the door was in the way. The words "we could always move the wall" will go down in history as the best "light the blue touch paper" moment. To be fair, he said them so it really wasn't my fault, a few months later the wall was moved between the living room and dining room, the original door to the living room was blocked off and the settee had arrived. So about the utility.......

OK I just had to take a break from writing as the snack shopping arrived, early - it wasn't supposed to be here until much later which means my kids aren't, up so I had to deal with it all myself. I'm quite sure putting all the shopping away is one of those things I'm not supposed to do! Poor ASDA driver, I had to get him to check his truck before he left, as one of my cats and the neighbours are a bit of a double act and it looked like one of them was attempting to distract the driver whilst the other one took the van! Little devils, the poor driver had no clue, cats nowadays, what can you do with them.

I have started packing for my trip away, I have shoes and underwear in a bag. I must add a little bit more to that otherwise it will be an interesting couple of days. I am actually feeling a little bit nervous, leaving my comfort zone, I mean I haven't even visited anyone yet, so going away somewhere strange is a little bit scary. I remember this from the first time, you are nervous of leaving the safety of the hospital, but they do prefer you to go home eventually. Then you take your first trip out, just for a bit, not too far from home, again it's lots of Neils baby steps. I think that because I've done it all before I don't expect it to be a problem, but the reality is very different. I am frightened of going anywhere, other than home, for any length of time. I said it before, I once considered agoraphobia as a lifestyle choice, it may give you a clue into my mind. Anyway we will try to put that to one side, I am looking forward to going away for a couple of days, it will be really good for Neil and I as a couple, give us a chance to talk about anything and try to just enjoy ourselves without all the health stuff looming over us. Good, that did sound completely convincing didn't it? Doing something that scares me is something I should be used to by now, starting Uni was a big one, I wanted to run screaming away from the first lecture I was waiting to go in, you'd think I'd be excited but no, it was scary. If I can do that I can do anything!  

Maxines 8th lesson - Don't be afraid to do something that scares you, the outcome may surprise you.

Right I need to go and put all the rest of the shopping away, as I only did the fresh and frozen stuff, the kitchen is covered, or should I say littered with shopping that, however much I ignore it, will not put itself in the cupboards. I know because I've tried this before, it's like the washing up you see it, you leave the room, you come back, damn it's still all there! I know, I know I need to get out more!

Four weeks + 3

Well I slept better last night, it's sad but it may have had something to do with my Kindle battery being flat, and the charging cable not being very long, still these things happen. Yesterday turned out to be quite a good day, which is always a worry for me, Mondays are like dress rehearsals if they go well Tuesdays are generally completely down the pan. I will not be influenced by this though, and am remaining optimistic that Tuesdays have the ability to be good too, but I have children so there is no guarantee of anything. I walked Ned round the village with Neil last night, it's my first time doing that, it's back to his baby steps to recovery, every step you take towards normality is a good step, no matter how small. (That's not a lesson, just obvious).

I was thinking about cleaning the windows today, a little sad but my window cleaner came round yesterday so I know the outsides are clean and it's bugging me that I can't see through them. I don't think cleaning windows is on the list of things not to be done till after 6 weeks so I may give it a go. At least I don't have to do the back windows, my neighbour is building an extension, which is a pretty dusty dirty job, and I'm not bothering to get the back windows cleaned until it's finished, which saves me money with the window cleaner and cleaning time myself. If my blog gets completely full of sad housework things will somebody throw something at me please!

I am really looking forward to going away, I feel a bit like a little kid, should I pack today, what should I take? Should I take make up, I haven't worn make up for months, I'm sure I have some somewhere, it feels like I should at least make a slight effort to look like a girl. Oh and Neil wants to know what we are going to do while we are away, so now I need to plan an itinerary, I was hoping to just go with on the spur of the moment kind of ideas. What was I thinking, this is Neil, of course we will have a plan! So I need somewhere to visit on Thursday afternoon, and somewhere for Friday, when we have a whole day to fill. All of this baring in mind I need to rest for a couple of hours after 20 minutes exertion, so this could be interesting to plan, I mean are there beds/settees randomly planted around the Shropshire countryside? Well I will have a look on the internet today and see what I can find out (places to go, I'm not holding out much hope on the bed front).

I was informed by Will yesterday that there was a major lack of snacks in the house, which would of course be the main food group for him and Ben when they stay here while we are away. So somehow I have got to pop to the shop today or tomorrow and rectify this shocking situation. This is where I go to grumpy mode, as I would normally just pop to Morrisons (no loyalty it's just close) and buy some stuff. Only I can't drive, won't be ably to for a couple more weeks, still the fact it is making me grumpy is a really good sign, instead of being worried about having to travel in a car, which was where I was not that long ago. This is all healthy in my recovery, but doesn't solve the international snack crisis that is brewing in the house. If I order more than £25 worth of snacks from ASDA they will delivery them to me, but not sure of they will do it before we go away, and 15 year olds can't sign for groceries, this particular problem may take a little more solving than I first thought!

Oh I bought some shoes yesterday, ones that look right with leggings, actually that is a false statement, I liked them and thought stuff it they are comfy and I don't care if they look right with leggings or not, But, if you see Neil, I needed shoes that looked right with leggings, it's an important part of my recovery, aren't shoes always an important part of recovery? Maybe not, but it does give me a bit of a boost to have new stuff, as it does for all women I should think, and if I feel a little nicer in my new clothes and shoes then that is definitely helping me to feel better overall, and what price can you put on that? Do not refer that question to Neil!

I had a blood test at the doctors yesterday, results back in just a couple of days, say the phlebotomy nurse (l really like the word, but it lulls you into thinking they do something nice). That just may be my last visit to the doctors in a while, what will I do with myself, and what will Carla do on Mondays now that she doesn't have to take me there? Mind you next week Will has an orthodontists appointment, so it gives us all a trip out on Wednesday, but at least it's not to the doctors! I find not being able to drive so frustrating, I am so used to just getting in the car and going where I please. It's bad enough when I have to manage without a car, but at least then once Neil gets home I can always pop out in his. Still, less than 2 weeks to go, I just thought you may not realise why, but after any kind of stomach surgery (caesarians count) your insurance will be invalid if you have an accident before your 6 weeks is up, it's something to do with not being able to do emergency stops, again something you really need your stomach muscles for. Although apparently the rules can vary with different insurance companies, the 6 weeks is pretty standard. The other things I'm not supposed to do, including carrying heavy things and exercising are purely for my health, no insurance companies involved there.

Four weeks + 2

Well I had the worst nights sleep last night, actually that's a contradiction as not sleeping was what went on in my bed! To be fair the night before wasn't much better, it's like my stomach is all niggly and uncomfortable, just enough to keep me awake, but not painful enough for me to take painkillers. I'm wondering if it's actually a good sign, or at least with my glass half full mentality that's how I'm taking it. My body is trying to fix itself, it's like itching on the inside because it's mending. If this is the case then I'm very pleased, I would like some sleep though so if we could do a bit more in the daytime and leave me in peace at night I'd appreciate it. 

I had a great day yesterday, I ironed (no that wasn't why), and pottered about the house, watched a bit of TV, just little things here and there, all nice and relaxed. Then I went to the woods, (I said woods, not dogs!), although my dog was involved. We put Ned in the car and went to Highgate Common, it's a great place with woods, and a common and even a disabled path that you can take pushchairs on, it's where I love to take Ned all the time, when I am well. Anyway we all went, I only intended to walk a little way and then go back to the car, but it was so nice to be out, and as a family, so I wandered along for about 15 mins, had a good long rest on a bench (they have lots of them all dedicated to dead people, OK that doesn't sound as nice as it is), then walked the 15 mins back to the car. It wasn't a long walk for Ned by any means, but it certainly was for me, it was so relaxing and peaceful though, a great way to finish the afternoon. After that we came home and I cooked the dinner, like a normal Mom, these are the moments I will hang on to when I'm having a bad day, one of my grumpy/stroppy ones.

I have a fun day planned for everyone today, no I don't I'm joking I'm going to the doctors for a blood test at lunchtime, I'm hoping that I'll get to go and see Malarky afterwards, maybe see if I can skip out a little. In a couple of weeks I'll be driving and taking back responsibility for my own horse, I owe Carla such a lot for looking after him, and being my taxi service, actually I really do owe Carla some money too, do not let me forget that! It looks like it just might be a nice day weather wise, and with rain forecast for during the night, following my selected pattern. I do like it when a plan comes together. As for the rest of the week, well I have my trip away to look forward to, two days of doing nothing, just eating, sleeping and enjoying the surrounding countryside. I wonder what that will be like, as someone used to caravanning there is no real sitting around doing nothing, I can't wait, just hope it doesn't spoil me for caravanning in the future! 

I think I have my timetable sorted out for going back to Uni in September, I'll be in Wednesdays 11 till 1 o'clock for one of my year long modules, and Tuesday evening 5 till 7 o'clock for a normal module. I know that doesn't sound enough and it's not, my other year long is my Independent Study (dissertation) and has no timetable, and the other short module for semester 1 is my History in the Community one which is when you volunteer in a local school, something I've already established for myself and again not really timetabled. It does make it look a little thin on the ground but maybe that's not a bad thing as I probably won't be back to full fitness for a few months and it makes my life a little easier. This last year of Uni is really important to me, I can't mess up my assignments this year, as I need to get good grades to get the degree classification I want to do the teaching qualification after. Apart from that I have something to prove to myself, that I was right to start all this in the first place, and that I can overcome any obstacle, physical and personal to do that. Tough talk, from a tough cookie! 

Four weeks + 1

I quite enjoy Sunday mornings at the moment, Neil is fussing about in the kitchen and has already hung the washing on the line, I'm just sitting doing nothing waiting for my second cup of coffee to materialise. I am pretty sure though that once I'm fit and healthy the roles will once again reverse themselves, still it's nice while it lasts. He took me shopping yesterday, for clothes! Wow, is the word for that, actually he only took me to Primark so don't jump up and Wow, a stationary one will do, it's because I have discovered I have clothing issues!

Ok that is not a psychological problem, although it does sound like one, to put it bluntly my clothes are uncomfortable. Anyone of a sensitive nature look away now, I have an incision running from above my belly button to below my caesarian scar, ouch, well yes. At first I was lolling around the house in PJ's but people look at you funny when you go out in them, especially with your slippers on! Anyway my normal attire for leaving the house would be jeans, but that puts a zip and a button and an uncomfortable waistline right on my incision line. I know, you might be thinking, that it's been four weeks I should be feeling a little more healed up, well I think it might be because of having two done in a week, or the fact that the second was removable stitches, or because it takes weeks for the internal bruising to heal, or I'm just a bit of a moaner! Sensitive people can look back again now. So the only really comfortable trousers I can wear out are my leggings, of which I own 2 pairs, so Neil took me to Primark to buy some more and a couple of tops to wear with them (to hide the area between hip and waist). I had no idea all the different colours of leggings you can get, my favourite ones are brown (I know such a surprise), Neil says they look like jodhpurs, which may explain why I feel so at home in them. Neil likes the black ones, he's a little staid when it comes to clothes, I avoided the petrol and the mustard, much to his relief. I'm not sure if leggings are fashionable or not, I don't really care but I'm going to spend my time comfortably in them that's for sure! Although I think I may need shoes now, "Neil we need to do some more shopping", "muffled response". Tee hee.

Well my second cup of coffee has turned up, so I think I should actually go and at least do something constructive, just not too constructive, it is Sunday after all. I'm planning on a nice quiet easy day with no stress, and no worries, I really am living on another planet!

Four weeks later

Well this week has gone really fast but it sure has been full! So how do I feel compared to last week, I'm feeling better but I've really got to be careful not to push myself too hard as I'm feeling tired and run down as well. I'm not saying that it's because I'm a Mom but I'm getting really frustrated at not being able to do all the normal things that Moms do, you know like yelling at your kids. Sounds silly but being cross and shouting takes stomach muscles, crying and laughing takes them too, in fact the more you think about it's hard to do much of anything without them! Just adds to my sad and stroppy side, along with the weather this week, all though I'm a bit torn over that as well. Can't dry the washing, can't sit in the garden, these are things that would be little cheery up moments in my life (again a little sad) but on the other hand I own a horse who, without the rain, will be standing in an oasis of brown. So rain good for horse, bad for morale - another tricky week!

What else has the week held for us. Well we had riots, that touched my life because of Neil working in Birmingham and driving through the areas affected, our little village is a bit off the grid for there to have been actual rioting here, but my sister and her kids live in Wolverhampton so they were close enough to home thank you! Picking somewhere to escape to for a couple of days, dear me that turned into a mammoth task, although I would like to thank people for their suggestions, although we didn't pick them we can keep them in reserve in case we do it again sooner than the 22 years this time took. Trips to the doctors and dilemmas over appointments and where we should shop, all the fun of the fair!

I think this next week should be nice and peaceful, we'll opt for rain during the night (for the horse) and sunshine in the day (to cheer me up). Everyone feeling happy and loving towards each other, so no riots or my boys killing each other. Then I'd like to walk up the street and back without having to spend most of the next day lying down. Then we'll have 2 days stuffing our faces with gourmet food in Shropshire and I'll be up to Five weeks later and feeling fabulous! It will be interesting to look back at this paragraph in a weeks time and just laugh (or cry) at what the week actually had in store.

This blog is a lot like therapy for me but I did just want to mention I had proper therapy once, or was it twice before. Somewhere in the middle of all my chemotherapy, as if going to the hospital once a week wasn't enough, I was referred to a cancer counsellor, I went twice. It was interesting, but not productive on my part, he said I only ever talked about what I was thinking, not what I was feeling, said I checked my actual feelings at the door. He was probably right and maybe it takes time for a private person to actually say what they are feeling and starting with what you are thinking is at least a step, even if it's a safe one. So here's Maxines next lesson.

Maxines 7th lesson - you don't have to talk about how you feel, unless it helps, but you do have to let yourself feel, that is more important.

At any given time you could be feeling anything, from anger to joy, that's the same for all of us, whatever is going on in our lives. When you have been through something traumatic (I'm allowing myself that word though it seems a little extreme) there is a tendency to deny what you are feeling. It doesn't quite seem right the first time you feel happy, it certainly doesn't feel right to be angry, all these emotions brought about by so many situations and people, all trying to pop out at the most inconvenient times. In my experience it's all fine and OK, and family and friends who know what you have been through say things like "well if you can't feel angry/happy/silly/etc who can?" So no matter what has happened, bad, good, silly or sad don't forget to feel, just remember you don't have to sit down in a room with someone to do that, only if you want to talk about  it. 

Good grief, deep and meaningful waffling on a Saturday morning, no more caffeine and daytime TV for me.

Three weeks + 6

Well I'm nearly at the four week mark, I have to admit this last week has been very up and down, I've had some fun and enjoyed a lot of it,  but I am facing the reality that I'm just not healing as fast as I did after my first operation in 2009. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, and maybe it's obvious that two major stomach operations in a week is going to take some getting over. I am tired a lot of the time and if I do too much I find myself in real pain, this is not how I remember it and not how I want to feel, and sets me off on grumpy/stroppy mode. This all makes me really fun to live with, don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for all the boys I live with!

Enough of the grumping here's some good news, Neil and I are booked into the Burlton Inn, Shropshire for a two night break next week, Thursday and Friday night. It's a small country pub with accommodation, and a Michelin recommended eatery, the menu looks amazing and it won't be too far a trip for me to make. Funnily, despite being fairly close, it's not an area of the country we've explored so it should be a fun and peaceful two days. We have sorted out the boys, who cannot be left alone together for both their own and the streets safety, by doing a child swap with a friend of Wills. Seriously it should work, Wills mate Ben will come here for two days, I referred to them as the Odd Couple, it's a really old tv program (and a film) but it made Bens Mum laugh. Anyway the swap part is that Xander is going to stay at Bens house for the duration! Bens sister is the same age as Xander, and they have a couple of really friendly staffies for Xander to roll around with. It means nobody is too far away from their home or an adult! Very well sorted I think! We will have to wait and see, but it should work out, I really should see if I can find an episode of the Odd Couple to show the boys, it's probably lost something over time but my head says it should be funny. OK I've just spent 15 mins totally distracted by Odd Couple hits on You Tube, back to the serious issue of blogging!

I got a letter in the post today, actually a reminder, that I haven't paid the hospital bill for my CT scan, well I do apologise, but I didn't think I had to! That's another phone call I have to make, along with the one to postpone my follow up appointment, it makes sense so I can just look forward to my couple of days away with Neil and deal with the real life stuff when we get back. Real life stuff can be so draining can't it. Although when I tried to move it yesterday I was told there were no available appointment until March next year, not really a follow up then is it, we'll have all forgotten what it's about by then!

So on with the unreal side to my life, I'm off shopping with Neil this afternoon, I know here I go again with my exciting life. He thinks we should just go to Asda instead of Lidls and Asda, well I think that's too major a decision to be taken so lightly and that a referendum, or at least a poll should be instigated first!OK I know I need to get out more, Asda it is. Maybe I can get him to take me to the Wolverhampton one, they have clothes there, although that's probably why he goes to Brierley Hill, because they don't, much safer on his wallet! It does mean that I really do need to write a shopping list, something that, with all the excitement yesterday, I just didn't get around to doing, I'll get Xander to help me, that will probably mean more cakes and puddings, but we can filter them out at the shopping stage.

I was going to give you another one of my lessons, but, because it's Friday I think it will keep for now, Friday is when you look back at your week, think about all that went right, or wrong. Compare the number of laughs to tears, hugs to shoves and calculate the amount of alcohol you are consuming to celebrate or forget the week. Because on Friday that line about tomorrow being another day really does seem appropriate! Enjoy your celebrating/forgetting and I'll be back tomorrow!

Three weeks + 5

Well we have finally picked somewhere to stay for a couple of days next week, I'm not going to say where yet as Neil hasn't actually booked it and I'm not prepared to tempt fate. Neil has had a hairy couple of days, he works in the centre of Birmingham (near the Jewellery Quarter) and normally comes home through Winston Green, he said his trip home on Tuesday was so eerie, there was a real atmosphere of suspense, as if everyone was just waiting for a kind of spark to set it all off, he actually drives really near to the garage where those poor men were killed. Anyway he decided that last night he would drive out in the wrong direction, but down a safer road so that his trip would be less stressful, longer, but easier. I can only assume that he'll return to his normal route now the rioting appears to be over, trouble is his job is quite stressful enough without added extra for the trip in and out!

I, on the other hand, spent yesterday being the opposite of stressed, was I unstressed, or stressless, who knows. Anyway I spent a great chunk of the day sewing a cover onto a large cushion, yes you did hear correctly sewing! Not a word that is normally in Maxines vocabulary but I do like to mix it up a bit at times. Basically I bought a large rectangular piece of foam and covered it, first with an old duvet cover then with one of the curtains (old ones replaced in bedroom), I sort of wrapped it up like a present and sewed up all the seams, instead of using tape. As a project it was fulfilling as there in now a covered cushion on the dogs settee (yes my dog has his own settee, doesn't everyones?), one that hopefully has enough layers on it that it will last more than a week, like the cushions that actually came on the settee. He didn't intend to destroy the original ones, it's a cane conservatory settee and the cushion material was very thin, but once it was ripped, albeit accidentally, he had great fun getting all the filling out. It looked a bit like scrambled egg, tons of little bits of yellow foam, all over the floor in the kitchen extension, and it took forever to clean up! So far the new cushion has passed the first night test, so watch this space.

I've had a bit of a jolt this morning, it's funny I get so wrapped up in just being and doing that I forget why I'm writing this and why I'm stuck in the house taking it easy, I really forget all the surgery stuff and just get on with being all I can at the moment. This morning I have received a letter from my consultant saying would I attend a follow up appointment at the hospital next week. Firstly it knocks me back into actually, I'm recovering mode, which like I say I forget sometimes. Plus I was looking forward to next week with Neil taking me away, now I'm not because I'm afraid of what will happen at the appointment, they might say "it's all gone wrong and back into surgery you must go!" Horrible, and probably unneccessary thought, but then the last time I had a follow up appointment after my surgery they said I had cancer, so if you remember Maxines 1st lesson, and the 3rd one, an appointment is a scary thing for me. So my question is, do I ring and postpone the appointment until the week after and just enjoy next week, or do I get it over and done with as it's before we go away, and ignore some of my own lessons? I think I'll have to consult with Neil on this one, for two reasons, firstly there is the whole he is my husband after all and should be my first point of consultation, and secondly I need him to take the afternoon off and come with me as my regular taxi driver (Carla), refuses to take me to appointments at the hospital any more as I always get bad news when she does. I'll let you know!

So what will today hold in store for me, well I've done a load of washing, but it raining so it's any ones guess what will happen to that, plus I suppose I could do a little housework, and I have a shopping list to write. Steady on, I hear you say, not too many thrills in one day. Well I just know how to let my hair down, within the confines of my own home and restricted abilities! I may even do some ironing! Wow, really pulling all the stops out there, aren't I. OK maybe I do need to get out a little more, and not just to the doctors! 

Three weeks + 4

You will be glad to know that yesterday I took it nice and easy, I did hang my new curtains in the bedroom, but they were a doddle. You know they had eyelet things so you just thread them over the pole, no messing about with silly bits of string. I think they look great, Neil doesn't really care, because they are curtains! It was a lot easier, in the long run, than trying to get the boys to do it, although Xander was a spectator which I'm guessing is help of sorts.

Wills mate Ben came round in the afternoon bringing a lovely note from his Mum asking if Will wanted to go away with them for a week, she's also been reading my blog, so I know I have an audience! How weird, yet cool. Anyway I really should send her a message to say thank you and chat about him going, he really wants to, who wouldn't, I would rather be by the seaside myself right now. Talking about trips away, we still haven't picked anywhere, Neil says I'm being too fussy, but seriously it's taken 22 years for him to take me away for the weekend, I may never get another chance, so I figure this one has to be right. OK I may be being a little fussy, I should just stick a pin in the map and go for it, or I could spend hours trawling through internet pages of hotel details, I wonder which way that will go?

My friend (Caroline) was coming round for a chat, so I got the boys to buy a cake, as it seemed the right thing to do. Do you know the bakery in my village doesn't sell cakes! Not really sure what to do with that, I mean of course they sell cakes, individual ones and nice tarts and things, but not even a Victoria sponge, apparently you have to order a cake in advance if you want one! Luckily the Co-op opposite sells cakes, they bought a simple coffee cake (for me) and an incredibly nice and naughty chocolate one, which Caroline said was very nice (she makes a very gorgeous chocolate cake herself, but I was cheating), so who needs bakeries?

Anyway we chatted for about three hours about everything you could think of, especially horses, she's recently had a new youngster who looks gorgeous, so I can't wait to go and see him. We talked about friends and children and dogs and everything else until we just ran out of afternoon, absolutely brilliant, and just what the doctor ordered, and if we gossiped, just a tiny little bit, well that stays between us and the settee. :-)

Then I had my second trip to the surgery in two days to see the doctor about the blood test, I was really fed up about it, but the doctor was kind of cute and very charming so it didn't turn out too badly. Plus it turns out they do take blood at the surgery, so I went to book myself into a blood clinic. "How about tomorrow at 9:40?" OK now if I really want to annoy Carla I could get her to take me to the doctors for the third day in a row, but, as I really DO NOT want to annoy her as she's my only transport and looking after my horse right now I said, "Could we not" and explained to the receptionist. "Oh dear no, then how about next Monday?" perfect, whew! Much better all round as I am getting fed up of the doctors being my most frequented place at the moment!

I have absolutely nothing planned for today, Neil is very pleased about that. So I guess I have a hotel to find, the trouble is I know what I want, but it's not really in our budget (story of Neils life!). I want a beautiful hotel in the country set in glorious grounds, a gorgeous double room with a view, fabulous food, in a tranquil setting but near enough to somewhere of interest, that we've never been to before, so we can visit. His budget is just not going to cover that kind of place, he says I love you, just not that much! Damn, so I keep looking for a compromise, there has to be one, I'll let you know how my search goes.

No lessons today. That's a relief!

Three weeks + 3

Remember Maxines 4th rule, well yesterday was all about that. I carried the washing basket outside, I'm not supposed to do that. I started walking when my lift didn't turn up, I really shouldn't have walked so far or so fast. I went to the doctors and 2 different shops, inadvisable. When I came home I went to bed, I had really bad stomach ache and it turns out a temperature of 37.9, oops. I stayed in bed the rest of the day taking pain killers I haven't needed in over a week and feeling thoroughly sorry for myself. Definitely 1 step forward and nearer 4 back! On the plus side Xander (my 10 year old) made me, and himself, toast at 10 o'clock and we sat doing cross word puzzles until 1 o'clock in the morning, mad but it did the job.

As for the doctors, well the nurse giving me my depo was no battle at all, don't you always find that, you get really prepared for the fight and nothing comes of it, I had all these answers ready and everything. As for the blood test, I do need to go and see the doctor but, there is a plus point -an occasional blood test clinic at the surgery, problem solved hopefully. My appointment is this afternoon, poor Carla (my taxi) she will be really fed up of me soon! I still don't really see why the doctor needs to actually see me, unless it's curiosity, I guess doctors are nosy people too. Maybe I'm a bit of a freak to the medical profession, like a two headed lady, I can cope with that!

So apart from the doctors at 5.30 I have been told to stay in and rest, by my hubby. Yes, well, I can manage that, can't I, I think I can. I did buy some curtains yesterday though and I'd really like to see them up, can boys hang curtains? Oh I do have a friend coming by this afternoon, that should keep me trapped on the settee for a bit, can't wait. It's no use though, I just can't do nothing, just sitting here thinking about it is stressing me out, so how about I do a couple of really gentle tasks and get the boys to do the rest, at least if I'm supervising them (bossing them about mercilessly) I'm doing something with my time. 

I do need to add something about yesterday though, when I came home from hospital, the first time after the reversal, I spent one day (nearly) home and had to go back in because I had a temperature (38.6), which in turn led to an even bigger operation and the best part of a week in HDU. So yesterday I really worried the boys, you could see it, especially in Will. It's one of the things I can't fix, and I don'tt know where to start. How is it fair that you worry, nearly all the time, that your Mom may have to go back into hospital, and just might not come back. That is a reality for my boys that I'm guessing with time will lessen in it's severity. Right now I just spin a good line in, I've been to the doctors 3 times recently and out to shops I am a bit run down I've probably just picked up a cold or something. Whilst inside I'm freaking out a little because I could do with some of the same reassurance myself.

Maxines 6th lesson - Try to learn to rest and let people do things for you (damn hard lesson).

On the very plus side Neil is talking about taking me away for a couple of days, maybe the end of next week. It will be just the two of us in a nice country hotel, after nearly 22 years of marriage it will be the first time he's done that. Although at the moment we are still discussing (arguing) where exactly in the country we want to go, never mind which hotel to stay at. Any suggestions would be welcome!

Here's hoping my day goes far more easily today, I know I'm the only one who has the power to ensure that!

Three weeks + 2

I had a great time at the horse show, Carla (sister) managed to park so we could see both the jumping and show rings without even getting out of the car, that's definitely taking it easy. I had a burger in a bun for lunch (traditional local show grub and very tasty), and a couple of my friends came to chat with me. Brilliant.

Then I went home, and got into the grumpiest mood ever, I can't even tell you why, nobody was being bad but they were all annoying the heck out of me, not a foot could be put right and I just got grumpier and grumpier. I have times like this, I don't know why and I can't stop it, everyone just seems to put up with me until bedtime and hope it's gone in the morning. I guess that's me having a stroppy day, or it's a reaction to something nice happening that reminds me of all the things I can't do yet, a real low after a buzz. Who knows, but my annoyance is real, and they do stupid things, and say all the wrong things, but even I can see at the time I'm being a bit unreasonable but I don't, or can't stop. 

So I went to bed in a bad mood and woke up with a headache, serves me right I suppose. I'm off to visit the nurse again this morning, although it's not operation related, my depo (contraceptive injection) was due last Friday and she wouldn't give it to me early (because of my op) so we agreed I'd come in today, she is still going to clear it with one of the doctors, why? I can't see what the problem is, if I'd had it just before my op there'd be nothing they could do about it. It's not even like I'm fit enough to have rampant sex right now, it's a choice thing, I've been on this for ten years now and I haven't had a period in all that time and I like that and don't want to start again now! Thank you very much. I know selfish, but like I said it's a matter of choice, it's my body and I've had little enough control over it the past few weeks, so I'll damn well control this part of it!

Plus I have a letter to take with me, now see if you can follow this. After my operation my platelet count was high, this sometimes happens after operations and I was told to take an aspirin a day and get my blood tested at a later date to see if it had gone down. So I get sent a letter from my doctor asking me to make an appointment to see him to arrange a blood test. I can hear you thinking this is all perfectly reasonable, and so it is. Except, they don't do blood tests at the doctors, they give you a form for a blood test that you take to the hospital to get one done there. So my doctor at the hospital wants me to get a blood test, and writes as much to my doctor at my surgery, who writes to me to make an appointment to see him, so he can fill out a form to give to me so I can go to the hospital to get a blood test. Can you now see there are a few steps that really do not need to be in this process, so I'll take the letter with me to the nurse and see if I can miss out a step!

Anyway it's coming up to 9.30 in the morning, I'm the only person up so far (you can't count hubby Neil he left at 6.20 to go to work, that was practically yesterday!), I'm enjoying the peace and quiet so I'll not wake them yet, anyway Will (the eldest) was probably up until 5 chatting to some mate of his on skype or xbox or something so he's not going to surface for hours. Anyway I've decided not to hassle my kids this holiday about getting up, I can sort out their routine in the last week of the hols to get them back onto something like school time. I figure they've been through enough with worrying about me, and they still are, especially Will, who has taken all of my op and everything really hard. So I'll let them be kids and sleep all morning if that's what they want, and bring strict Mom back in a few weeks time.

Maxines 5th lesson - Try not to get stressed about stupid little things, the big things are tiring enough, without you doing that!