Well this week has gone really fast but it sure has been full! So how do I feel compared to last week, I'm feeling better but I've really got to be careful not to push myself too hard as I'm feeling tired and run down as well. I'm not saying that it's because I'm a Mom but I'm getting really frustrated at not being able to do all the normal things that Moms do, you know like yelling at your kids. Sounds silly but being cross and shouting takes stomach muscles, crying and laughing takes them too, in fact the more you think about it's hard to do much of anything without them! Just adds to my sad and stroppy side, along with the weather this week, all though I'm a bit torn over that as well. Can't dry the washing, can't sit in the garden, these are things that would be little cheery up moments in my life (again a little sad) but on the other hand I own a horse who, without the rain, will be standing in an oasis of brown. So rain good for horse, bad for morale - another tricky week!
What else has the week held for us. Well we had riots, that touched my life because of Neil working in Birmingham and driving through the areas affected, our little village is a bit off the grid for there to have been actual rioting here, but my sister and her kids live in Wolverhampton so they were close enough to home thank you! Picking somewhere to escape to for a couple of days, dear me that turned into a mammoth task, although I would like to thank people for their suggestions, although we didn't pick them we can keep them in reserve in case we do it again sooner than the 22 years this time took. Trips to the doctors and dilemmas over appointments and where we should shop, all the fun of the fair!
I think this next week should be nice and peaceful, we'll opt for rain during the night (for the horse) and sunshine in the day (to cheer me up). Everyone feeling happy and loving towards each other, so no riots or my boys killing each other. Then I'd like to walk up the street and back without having to spend most of the next day lying down. Then we'll have 2 days stuffing our faces with gourmet food in Shropshire and I'll be up to Five weeks later and feeling fabulous! It will be interesting to look back at this paragraph in a weeks time and just laugh (or cry) at what the week actually had in store.
This blog is a lot like therapy for me but I did just want to mention I had proper therapy once, or was it twice before. Somewhere in the middle of all my chemotherapy, as if going to the hospital once a week wasn't enough, I was referred to a cancer counsellor, I went twice. It was interesting, but not productive on my part, he said I only ever talked about what I was thinking, not what I was feeling, said I checked my actual feelings at the door. He was probably right and maybe it takes time for a private person to actually say what they are feeling and starting with what you are thinking is at least a step, even if it's a safe one. So here's Maxines next lesson.
Maxines 7th lesson - you don't have to talk about how you feel, unless it helps, but you do have to let yourself feel, that is more important.
At any given time you could be feeling anything, from anger to joy, that's the same for all of us, whatever is going on in our lives. When you have been through something traumatic (I'm allowing myself that word though it seems a little extreme) there is a tendency to deny what you are feeling. It doesn't quite seem right the first time you feel happy, it certainly doesn't feel right to be angry, all these emotions brought about by so many situations and people, all trying to pop out at the most inconvenient times. In my experience it's all fine and OK, and family and friends who know what you have been through say things like "well if you can't feel angry/happy/silly/etc who can?" So no matter what has happened, bad, good, silly or sad don't forget to feel, just remember you don't have to sit down in a room with someone to do that, only if you want to talk about it.
Good grief, deep and meaningful waffling on a Saturday morning, no more caffeine and daytime TV for me.
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