Thirteen weeks + 4

OK so Neil and Will did get to the right open evening, they came home at about 9:30 and we all had a sit down and a chat, I have to say I've never seen anybody so excited at the idea of doing Physics A level, it was almost unnerving. So his idea is Maths, Physics, Biology and maybe Law, does that sound like a really odd mix to anyone else. Any way back to this physics, apparently this years A level students are having a trip to Cern, you know to go and see the superconducting super collider (so good they named it twice), I mean how cool is that? (I'm sort of being Will except he'd never say cool). The only down side to this Windsor school is the two buses he will have to take to get there, but as he'd have to take one of them to get to Stourbridge to get to King Eds, it doesn't seem an unworkable deal. The agreement is that he'll apply, then he can choose where he wants to go at a later date. I mentioned that he should make sure his form tutor mentions on his reference that he's been continuing to study and do well these past two years despite what he has had to deal with with me at home, I think it says something about his character in a good way, but he's not convinced. So I'm going to leave it up to him.

Talking of me and my problems, Neil upset me last night, only over something stupid (I wanted a new outfit for a birthday party we've been invited to and he was being funny about it), but it did lead me into a mini confession and I thought it would be best to put it in here too, in case you didn't realise. I don't want to leave the house, ever, that's my permanent state of feeling, when I said about considering agoraphobia as a lifestyle choice I wasn't joking. I feel safe here, and know that whatever happens I can deal with it (Cyril and what not), but when I'm out I feel so vulnerable and just want to come home again. As Neil said last night, that would be letting what happened to me control what I do, and can do in the future, I know that so I go out. I take Ned to the woods and go to the field to Malarky, these are the easiest things to do, I'm not far from home and can get into my car at any point that I want to and return. Then I go shopping, that's not too bad I'm under my own steam and not under any obligation, it's why I like shopping at Lidls it doesn't take as long to do as the shop is smaller (and cheaper). Then you throw Uni into the mix, I have to sit in a lecture for at least an hour, on Tuesday evenings it's 2, I frequently have somebody sitting right next too me (I worry as Cyril makes noises at times, little bugger), I don't feel like I can just get up and leave at any moment although I spend a great deal of my time wanting to do just that. Even harder than Uni is going to Summerhill, being in that classroom environment with so many people in close proximity, for the whole morning or afternoon, it's hard for me to do that, and I love going there. Then there are visits and parties, going to his Moms (as we are this weekend), going to the Eaton Hotel for a slap up meal, it terrifies me. What do you think Neil said, yes he said, "we don't have to go, you just had to say", that wasn't really the right answer. I go on visits and to Summerhill because I want to, I go to Uni because I have to finish what I started and become a teacher. I walk the dog and go to my horse because I need to. I won't let what has happened to me control what I can and cannot do. That doesn't mean that's how I feel, what I feel like doing is staying right where I am all day long.

So confessions of a closet agoraphobic over, I had better start my day, I'm already running late as I didn't actually wake up at 4.30 this morning, but slept through to my second alarm at 7:45, amazing! I have to get Xander off to school, and I have Uni today, I'll go and see Malarky on the way back and I do have to remember to pop to the shop as I forgot to buy actimels and cat biscuits from shopping this week (so Will and the cats are annoyed), Then after dinner Neil, Will and I are off to King Eds to see what that will hold in store for the future for Will. It is rally odd thinking of him going to college, I can't believe the years have gone so fast. Big sigh....